Partner Of A Porn Addict? Some Advice

Partner of a Porn Addict

I recently received a mail from a woman (we’ll call her “Jennifer”) asking me for advice about her husband’s porn addiction.  I don’t normally answer personal emails asking for advice — I get too many of them to answer and also would prefer questions answered on the blog, where other people can learn – but I empathized with her situation and thought I’d help her out. Also, she said it was okay to post it on the blog.

Here is the email she sent. If you want just the questions and my answers scroll down or click here.

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Hi Brian,

I am writing with a question I am struggling with. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have a nice marriage. I actually “caught” him watching porn and masturbating while on our honeymoon. We had a lot of major conversations but he assured me this would stop and was not a problem. I have always suspected this might still be happening at times and recently discovered that is still visiting endless porn sites everyday. He knows he has a problem and says he is almost relieved for it to be out.

I do truly believe he wants to change. Although I am so angry at him I love him and believe he wants to stop this. The question is will he be able to? Can you please answer the following quick questions for me so I can plan my next step to regaining trust? I appreciate it.

1. In your opinion is it ok for him to continue to have sex with me? His addiction was limited to pornography and didn’t involve straying sexually. In some ways I feel he has to abstain to reboot, but at the same time in this vulnerable time it is a perfect opportunity for sincere deep intimacy in our rebuilding. I long for that.

2. Is it imperative to stop viewing porn cold turkey altogether. He says this is his strategy; I just want to make sure this doesn’t set him up for failure because it is too drastic. Do you recommend the cold turkey or the weaning approach?

3. How much should I ask him about his addiction? All trust has been broken and I feel to start to heal I need a firm grasp of what was going on. Or do I? It feels so intrusive to ask him down and dirty questions.

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Guest Post: Porn Induced Partner Trauma

Partner Trauma

This week I have another interesting guest post to introduce.

While there is a large amount of research and treatment available for men addicted to pornography, there is definitely a lack of information for the partner of a porn addict.

Mari A. Lee, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, and Certified Sex Addiction therapist who founded Growth Counseling Services, a private practice recovery center in California, specializes in sexual addiction and partners work. Mari has been working for many years in supporting both the addict and his/her partner in recovery, healing and understanding.

In this guest article, Mari sheds some light on what our partners experience when we lie, deceive and cover up about our porn addiction.

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