The Most Important Tool For Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety

Overcome Performance Anxiety

I get a lot of emails asking about how I overcame sexual performance anxiety. And I’ve found a few tried and true strategies that have helped guys that I’ve been coaching , so I want to share them.

First off, let’s figure out if it’s actually performance anxiety that we’re dealing with.

How do I know if I have performance anxiety?

A lot of guys out there think that they are dealing with porn-induced ED, when in fact they are dealing with sexual performance anxiety.

Here is a test that you can do to find out:

  1. Do you have trouble getting an erection when you’re alone with a woman, but you can get an erection by touching yourself (without porn) in the comfort of your home?
  2. Do you sometimes lose your erection when you’re with a woman – especially your first or second time with her?
  3. Do you find yourself worried about whether you’ll be able to get an erection when the time comes?
  4. Do you avoid sexual encounters because you worry that you might not be able to perform?

If you answered ‘yes’ to some or all of these questions, then you likely are suffering from sexual performance anxiety.

(Note: With porn-induced ED, the erections you get by yourself without porn just aren’t as strong as the erections with porn.  Or in extreme cases, you can’t get an erection at all without porn.)

Now let me ask you this:

  • Do you wish you could have great sex every time, and not have to worry?
  • Do you wish that you could freely have one-night stands without having to worry about whether your penis would work or not?
  • Do you wish that you weren’t dealing with this?

I’ll tell you: I feel for you, because I’ve been there.  But I’ll also say that it is 100% possible to overcome this.  I did it, and you can too.

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This Secret Will Help You Quit PMO For Good

Quit Porn

So you’ve read and implemented my advice about finding a replacement habit and using that to reprogram your habit cycle.  And it works, some of the time.  But it’s not foolproof, and it’s not easy.

I’ve been studying and experimenting with habit change for some time now. I know what works well and what doesn’t.

If you’re a human being and not a robot, you probably find it incredibly difficult to do your replacement habit on a consistent basis when you’re first starting off.   Well, from my own recent experiments and reading on habit change, I think I’ve figured out how to make it easier on you to solidify your replacement habit.

Until a few months ago, I’ve been focusing on the intrinsic rewards of the replacement habit.  For example, lets say that the reward you get from PMO (porn-masturbation-orgasm) is physical excitement. So you decide to make push-ups your replacement habit, because it gives you a physical reward (endorphins, dopamine), thus completing the habit loop.

But then sometimes things don’t go smoothly and as you planned. You find that you don’t feel all that motivated to do push-ups each time you get a craving to PMO.  What do you do then?

The Old Way: Brute Willpower

What I used to do in this situation was to just use “brute willpower” to make myself do the push-ups.  I would just basically yell at myself internally until I finally did it.  And the physical craving would be satisfied.  But this takes a huge amount of willpower, and some of us just starting out with improving ourselves don’t have access to enough of it to constantly deal with the cravings.  And as Kelly McGonigal points out in the great book, The Willpower Instinct , willpower is a finite resource within us. So once you’ve exhausted that resource, it’s like your defenses are down.

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5 Books That Will Supercharge Your Reboot and Make You a Better Man

Young-Man-Reading-a-Book1

I have a secret to share with you:

I am a hard case when it comes to habit change. It is a real struggle for me to make positives stick changes in my life.

There, I admitted it.

But because I am naturally such a hard case, it led me on a quest to find the best techniques for making changes in my life.

The Fighter

Here’s an analogy. In MMA (mixed martial arts), you might have a really strong fighter with so-so technique. Sure, he’s gonna win a certain amount of fights just because he’s damn strong.

Then you’ve got the fighter who has a small frame and isn’t naturally very strong. That’s me. But because he isn’t naturally big or strong, he learns the best techniques from the best teachers. Continue Reading

The Secret Weapon in your Rebooting Arsenal: Meditation

Man Meditating on a Rock at the Beach

Okay, I suspect that some of you will dismiss this article just from reading the title. Meditation? Really? How is Meditation going to help me with quitting porn and rewiring my brain for real sex?

Glad you asked.

New research shows that regular meditation practice helps people quit smoking, lose weight, kick a drug habit, and stay sober.

-Kelly McGonigal, The Willpower Instinct

Meditation is a very powerful tool you can use to train your brain and increase your willpower (willpower that you can use to resist the temptation of porn). It lowers stress levels, teaches you how to handle negative inner dialogue (anxiety, worry, cravings), and deal with external temptations (images, sounds, smells).

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Partner Of A Porn Addict? Some Advice

Partner of a Porn Addict

I recently received a mail from a woman (we’ll call her “Jennifer”) asking me for advice about her husband’s porn addiction.  I don’t normally answer personal emails asking for advice — I get too many of them to answer and also would prefer questions answered on the blog, where other people can learn – but I empathized with her situation and thought I’d help her out. Also, she said it was okay to post it on the blog.

Here is the email she sent. If you want just the questions and my answers scroll down or click here.

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Hi Brian,

I am writing with a question I am struggling with. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have a nice marriage. I actually “caught” him watching porn and masturbating while on our honeymoon. We had a lot of major conversations but he assured me this would stop and was not a problem. I have always suspected this might still be happening at times and recently discovered that is still visiting endless porn sites everyday. He knows he has a problem and says he is almost relieved for it to be out.

I do truly believe he wants to change. Although I am so angry at him I love him and believe he wants to stop this. The question is will he be able to? Can you please answer the following quick questions for me so I can plan my next step to regaining trust? I appreciate it.

1. In your opinion is it ok for him to continue to have sex with me? His addiction was limited to pornography and didn’t involve straying sexually. In some ways I feel he has to abstain to reboot, but at the same time in this vulnerable time it is a perfect opportunity for sincere deep intimacy in our rebuilding. I long for that.

2. Is it imperative to stop viewing porn cold turkey altogether. He says this is his strategy; I just want to make sure this doesn’t set him up for failure because it is too drastic. Do you recommend the cold turkey or the weaning approach?

3. How much should I ask him about his addiction? All trust has been broken and I feel to start to heal I need a firm grasp of what was going on. Or do I? It feels so intrusive to ask him down and dirty questions.

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How To Overcome A Porn Addiction: Advice From 10 Influential Sex Health Writers

Help-addiction

I am very excited to introduce this inspirational collaborative post including some of my favorite sexuality writers/bloggers on the topic of porn addiction.

I asked my list of 10 influential sexual health writers this simple question:

“What are 3 important factors for successfully recovering from porn addiction?”

The insight and quality in their answers really impressed me.  It’s clear they want to help and have the experience and knowledge to do so.  There’s a ton of great info and ideas in this post, and I’m sure it will be groundbreaking for many guys.

But remember: you can read all the advice in the world but none of it matters unless you take action.

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