Porn and Porn Induced ED: One Woman’s Perspective

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I recently had a great conversation with a female friend of mine named Sarah, where I told her about this website and my problems with porn induced ED in the past. She was very open to talk about it, and after a long chat, suggested that she write an article about how she felt about the whole thing. She even went so far as to get a few of her girlfriends together to ask their opinions.

For her article, I asked Sarah to answer a few questions on the topic of porn and PIED, namely:

-Her reaction when we talked about PIED
-How she feels about porn
-What women think/feel when a guy can’t get it up
-The importance of communication about sex between partners
-Insights from a female perspective about healing

 

I’ll let Sarah take it away:

After meeting Brian a few weeks ago, I just couldn’t wait to get home and browse his site in order to get more information on PIED. I remember that as he was telling me about PIED, it struck a nerve and I knew that a number of my friends could and probably would benefit from the knowledge that was being shared with me at that moment.

My reaction when I first heard about PIED

I wasn’t initially surprised at the finding that porn could induce ED, but I was surprised at the sheer amount of people who have actually experienced this.

The knowledge of PIED and performance anxiety put a number of things in perspective.

I can see how it can be a difficult topic for people to talk about and I guess that’s part of the reason why the only place people are speaking out about it is online. I think it must be only a matter of time before someone famous comes out and says “I have this and it’s really been a struggle” and then maybe there can be more openness and awareness of the problem.

How I feel about Porn – the good and the bad

I may be entering a hornet’s nest here, but I’ve never taken a particular stance against porn. For some time, I even advocated it if it was shared between two people in a loving and committed relationship. However, I have to say that I am yet to discover a couple who actually truly enhance their relationship this way. Most times I find that the relationship becomes strained afterwards. This might be because the couple discovers things about each other they may not previously have known.

As I write this, though, I would have to be extremely honest in saying that porn just has a way of making me feel very uncomfortable. There’s a number of reasons for this, the most obvious being that while it may just be a movie or an image, there is a very real person with a very real story behind that image.

9 times out of 10, women – young girls often, are made to do things they just wouldn’t normally do, all to satisfy a man’s desire.

It’s not that we [women] don’t find what we see attractive (although I’m sure there will be many women who are completely turned off by porn). Rather, it’s that we find the expectations that come bundled with porn pretty unattractive. Hardcore porn is in some cases sickening. It looks physically painful, not to mention emotionally difficult, and reeks of overpowering dominance. It’s hard to respect someone who is turned on by sexual pain and it doesn’t necessarily inspire a sense of desire or passion for that person.

So in summary, porn is something that sets that little nagging voice off in the back of my mind that the man in question will not respect me, both emotionally and sexually and that usually puts an immediate distance between me and a man. I know it may be a shallow idea, but so far it has been my saving grace in many situations and I have unfortunately been proven right in one or two.

What your woman might be thinking if he can’t get an erection

This is actually an interesting question. I can say that no two women will think the exact same things and I’ll go as far as to say that the conditions of the relationship will certainly change the variables of my answer here.

For starters, if you have a secure relationship and there is more than enough trust flowing between the two of you, then your woman may not have any worries that the problems are external. This will also mean that she may be more supportive and patient toward you.

After speaking to a few of my girlfriends, we came up with these answers:

  • He’s probably cheating and getting it elsewhere (if it’s porn induced then she’s actually right about the getting it elsewhere bit! As a side-note, some women will consider porn to be cheating)
  • He’s not in love with me anymore
  • He’s not attracted to me anymore
  • The relationship, or sex is boring and he’d rather be doing it with someone else
  • He’s thinking of someone else at that moment and then realizing it’s not that person he’s with
  • He’s tired or stressed out
  • He’s got a physical problem
  • That’s not normal
  • [one of my friends said] He’s being spiteful, or vindictive

Strangely, it’s in that order that we came to these conclusions, which is actually very telling about the way we think.

This is why I appreciated this other article I found on Brian’s site which briefly covered a woman’s perspective on the issue. Simple communication can change the order of thinking about the above in a split second and create a positive outcome for both partners.

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The need for communication about sexual problems with your partner

Communication is absolutely vital. It’s not always easy, and it may even seem a bit like punishment [I’m told], but a few words of acknowledgement and understanding that we may be hurting too can go a long way.

It can so often feel like sex is all that a man wants from a woman, after all, society teaches us that sexual intimacy is how a man shows love to a woman. So when things don’t get going, those warning bells start to ring. Does he not enjoy the sex with me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I starting to look like my mother?

All sorts of silly questions can race through a woman’s mind at this point which can severely affect both her trust and the way she feels about you.

What starts as a disappointment for us can lead to confusion and if not properly clarified could even become anger. This is where you can communicate with you partner to help her feel it’s not all about her, or her fault in any way.

The good news is you can get creative with your communication. It certainly doesn’t have to feel like a chore, and you don’t always have to explain yourself or how you’re feeling – you could avert an uncomfortable situation by simply making her feel that you still want her. Have fun with each other. Luckily for us, intimacy is not always about penetration and this opens a lot of exciting doors! Leave the heavy talk for later and simply move on in the moment. If she demands to know what’s up – tell her the truth, she’ll believe you if you still want to get hot and heavy even though you can’t get it up.

Healing as a partnership

Open communication is usually all it takes. We go all kinds of crazy if we feel or suspect that something is being hidden from us. It makes us feel insecure and out of control (shhh, don’t tell her I told you that secret). So it stands to reason that something so intimate between two people can quickly become a whirlwind of confusion and mistrust if not dealt with properly.

No, counselling is NOT needed, unless you have bigger issues and you don’t feel confident in tackling them alone.

Somewhere there is a point between the two of you where you meet. In this small spot on the horizon, you both have to lay bare your souls which can be somewhat unnerving, even for the woman who is notoriously good at opening up.

What will make a difference is that she knows and feels that without a doubt your ED is no fault of hers. If you’re not comfortable talking about it, show her the research, help her to understand what other women experience when their partners experience ED (we like to feel we’re not alone in something). Most importantly, show her that you’re working on it.

I will admit that this sounds a lot like hard work for a man – after all, if you have PIED, you’re suffering first, and that’s why I’d like to write a short note to the ladies reading this:

Girls, be patient and don’t overthink this one. If your man is trying, know that he is carrying both his burden here and yours – make it a little easier for him where you can. This is a great article that will give you some insight into how performance anxiety can affect your man’s stamina and libido. I love to browse the forums as people get real with their questions and comments. Go see for yourself just how difficult PIED is for those going through it.

To wrap it up: as women we usually have no idea what’s going on in your mind.

That means that small things can rock our worlds right off their axes. In our group conversation about erectile dysfunction and porn-induced erectile dysfunction, in particular, we all agreed that knowing what causes ED is not so bad even if it’s porn. Not knowing, however, is unbearable and causes too many questions which, if unanswered lead to doubt.

As always, keep that connection alive between you and your partner and I guarantee you’ll be rewarded for your efforts. I wonder, you may even find that your reboot is easier when you have less pressure on you to perform in a traditional sense.

Further reading:

Partner of a Porn Addict? Some Advice

Porn Induced Sexual Dysfunction: A Complete Guide

Porn-Induced Partner Trauma

Share your story? We would love to hear your opinion in the comments.

About Brian

Brian overcame a long-standing addiction to Internet porn and fully recovered from serious porn-induced erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety. For more about Brian, see my story.

Comments

  1. I take offense of her comment “It’s hard to respect someone who is turned on by sexual pain and it doesn’t necessarily inspire a sense of desire or passion for that person.” I have been a consensual BDSM relationship for 2 1/2 years now. Our relationship has plenty of desire and passion and trust.

    • Hi Rocco,

      Thanks for commenting. In fact I agree with you on this point, that consensual BDSM relationships can have trust and passion.

      Keep in mind, this article is simply her opinion on the topic and there are plenty of conflicting opinions (yours and mine included) 🙂

      Brian

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