How to Overcome Performance Anxiety: What Really Worked For Me

Anxiety

Performance Anxiety

My personal experience with sexual anxiety is not uncommon among young men recently. This is what happened:

1. I experienced a time when I could not achieve an erection with a girl who I was attracted to.

2. I felt guilt and shame because I had “failed” in bed.  I felt emasculated.

3.  It preoccupied my mind and I worried that it would happen again.

4. I thought about it so much that it slowly became a belief. I started to believe I couldn’t perform.

5. The next time I had sex, because I had rehearsed failure so often in my brain, I couldn’t perform.

6. The cycle continued and my performance anxiety got worse as time went on — as I gathered more and more reference experiences that confirmed I couldn’t perform.

This literally ruined relationships for me and caused me to become depressed.  I honestly worried that I would never be able to have normal sex again.  I was only 25 years old.

You Can Overcome Performance Anxiety

If you read the above and saw some of yourself, I want you to know that you can heal and overcome this.  I did.  I now have an amazing, fulfilling sex life.  Since recovering, I have had numerous girlfriends, flings, even one-night stands — which in the past, because of my sexual anxiety, I was always terrified of.

Quitting Porn and Masturbation

Number one in the healing was quitting porn and masturbation altogether. My escalating porn use over the years had desensitized and rewired my brain.  There are many resources for “rebooting” (abstaining from porn, masturbation and orgasm for a period of time to rewire your brain) available that I recommend, my favorite of which is Gary Wilson’s yourbrainonporn.com.

But there is one thing that I feel really helped me heal faster that I haven’t seen talked about elsewhere too much — which is what I want to cover today.

The Physical Aspects of Performance Anxiety

When I was dealing with this performance anxiety, I noticed there were two things that were physically happening in my body as my performance anxiety worsened:

One, my body would noticeably tense up when I got close to having sex. My breathing would become shallow and my muscles would tense up. And because I tensed up, my erection would disappear.

And two, my body was becoming tense and stressed out in daily life.  I could feel that the way I was holding my body was slightly different than before.  My shoulders and neck were tense.  I even started getting occasional minor headaches, which I had never experienced in the past.

And here’s the thing:  for your body to get an erection, you need to be relaxed.  It’s a scientific fact. In other words, by tensing up, I was sabotaging my body’s natural process of getting an erection.

But How To Change?

I knew from studying NLP and psychology that there are two ways I could attempt change:

1. Change my thought patterns and my physical self would follow.

2. Change my physical self and my thought patterns would follow.

With performance anxiety, I found it incredibly difficult to change my thoughts to more positive thoughts.  It was like I was telling myself “Don’t think about a purple elephant.” What did I do?  I thought about a purple elephant.

So after analyzing my problem, I decided to try and tackle it from the physical side.

What Really Worked For Me: Relaxation Techniques

This was the thing that really turned my performance anxiety around.  Progressive Relaxation Techniques.

I know, sounds kind of new-agey, right?  ;)   Not at all in fact.

In order to change my body to be able to relax consistently, I needed to condition my body to relax.  In fact my goal was to, ideally, become a more relaxed person in general.

So I started doing progressive relaxation every day for about 20 minutes. 10 minutes in the morning when I woke up, and 10 minutes before I went to sleep.

I cannot overemphasize how much this routine helped me recover.  I could feel the difference physically. It helped me get in control of my body’s relaxation process, and therefore relax more during sex.  And more relaxed means better erections. Not only did it help me get my “mojo” back, it also helped me to become a more laid-back and relaxed person in many other areas.

So without further ado…

My Progressive Relaxation Routine:

2x per day for 10 mins.  In morning after waking and just before bed.

-Get into comfortable clothing.

-Make sure there will be no distractions (ie. phone turned off, do not disturb sign on door, tell others you are meditating so they don’t interrupt)

-Put in earplugs or use earphones (with or without relaxing music — no lyrics)

-Lay down in your bed and prop up your legs with pillows so that you are comfortable.

-Start with deep breathing.   Put one hand on your chest, the other just above the navel (belly button).   Count slowly to two while breathing in through the nose. Your breath should be coming from your belly, not your chest.  Meaning, your hand just above the navel should be moving up and down with your breath — not your hand that’s on your chest.  Count slowly to four while breathing out through your nose.  Continue this for about 4 minutes while thinking about how relaxed you feel.  Try to let other thoughts drift away.  Focus on your breathing and on relaxing, deeper and deeper.

-Now it’s time for the progressive muscle relaxation.  Continue the same breathing rhythm. Count to 2 while inhaling, 4 while exhaling.  Start at your toes and as you inhale, squeeze the muscles in your toes tight so that they’re curled up (squeeze with 60% of maximum strength) . Then, as you exhale, relax your toes while letting go of all the tension there.  Do this tensing and relaxing for each group of muscles, one by one, from your toes to your head:

1. Toes.

2. Whole feet.

3. Calves/Lower leg

4. Thigh/Upper leg

5.Buttocks

6.  Stomach (breathe in and hold the stomach in tightly, then exhale while relaxing the stomach muscles)

7. Hands (clench fists, release)

8. Arms (straighten, release)

9.Pecs/Chest (flex, release)

10. Shoulders (tense the muscles in your upper back to pull your shoulders back, release)

11. Head — this one is different:  roll neck gently clockwise, then counterclockwise.

12. Mouth — fake a yawn while inhaling, tensing the jaw muscles somewhat. Relax with exhale.

After finishing this progressive muscle relaxation, I then do a few more minutes of the deep breathing, counting to 2 slowly while inhaling and 4 while exhaling.  If I still feel that my body is somewhat tense, I will sometimes repeat the muscle tensing and relaxing process.

Guided Relaxation Mp3

Recently one of my readers let me know about a great product that I wish I’d had when I was going through this.

It’s called Mental Impotence Healer and is a guided relaxation mp3 that trains your brain to relax and be in the moment during sex.

I got a copy of it myself and use it daily to train my brain to relax for sex.   It might sound a little cheesy, but this is exactly what I did with guided relaxation, except this mp3 program has been designed specifically for dealing with sexual performance anxiety problems.

I am very careful about which products that I recommend, and I wholeheartedly recommend this one.

You can read more about it here.

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Do you have a performance anxiety story?  Please share in the comments! 

 

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    About Brian

    I am 30 years old and have overcome my long-standing addiction to Internet porn and fully recovered from serious porn-induced erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety. For more about me, see my story.

    Comments

    1. I quit all porn and masturbation for over 90 days and STILL has not solved my performance anxiety problem. I am still tensing up half way through foreplay. Wasnt a magic bullet after all.

      Nofap= broscience

      • Hi Duece,

        Did you try doing daily relaxation meditation? And are you trying with a partner that you care about and trust?

        These two things are key to break out of the cycle of performance anxiety.

        Brian

    2. i think im on the right track to beating performance anxiety after 3yrs suffering with it.im 46 and battled many terrable things in my life.none that effected me like this.i was married 27yrs to the same woman,when the marriage failed and i left,from that moment on the very confusing symptoms started.one thing begat another.questions like whats wrong with me! is it physical,mental,depression,low T,hormonal,smoking,drinking,age and so on.then trying every pill,potion,natural supliments i could get my hands on.going to dr after dr.test after test.i finally settled with penile injections of bimix or trimix wich your urologist can prescribe.i learned the hard way not to overdose even by a little with this! it took alot of pressure off me over the issue. i realized without a doubt it was performance anxiety.long story short find someone you can be comfortable with.put yourself in that uncomfortable situation with them and do relaxation exersizes.rubb your limp penis on her vagina 2-3 times a wk in 15 20 min at a time.it will desinsatize you to the anxiety.ive learned alot thru this and talked to several men that overcame this! im on my way and you can too!! i know its earth shaking! on the other side their wont be a thing you cant beat! main thing is your by far not alone in this!

      • Hi Joey,

        Thanks for sharing your experience!

        I 100% agree with you about finding someone that you feel comfortable with. This was really important in my recovery, as were the relaxation exercises that trained my body to relax.

        And you’re right: on the other side of this, you’ll feel damn-near invincible.

        Cheers,

        Brian

    3. I can relate so much to this. The first time ever i was going to have sex, i was so nervous i couldnt get it up. It was really humiliating. The next time, with another girl, the same happened. This just made it worse. The third time was with a girl that became my girlfriend. Naturally i failed the first time with her as well. Luckily, since she was my girlfriend, we kept trying, and after a couple times i managed to get erect. I lost it very quickly though, but after that time it got better and better until i didnt have any issues at all. We were together 2 years where i never experienced any erection issues. However when the relationship ended and i was gonna have sex with another girl for the first time, it happened again. I kept seeing this girl though, and it worked the second or third time, and after that – no problems for the rest of the relationship(2.5 years). But every time i am about to have sex with a new girl for the first time, it happens. Because it always has, and thats all i can think about. So now i am single and terrified, because i feel i am unable to have a one night stand. Cause i know i am gonna fail the first time. I know however that i am able to perform, i just need to get past that first or second time. I will try the no porn/masturbating now. I dont think thats the main issue since the problem is all about the first time for me, but it will surely help me get aroused more naturally. Hope it works, would literally change my life..

      • Hi John,

        I can really relate to your story. I know you feel like you just have to get past those first two or three times, but don’t discount the possibility of having great sex the first time! Especially if you find a girl that you feel really comfortable with (which in my opinion is what you should be looking for).

        Don’t forget those relaxation exercises. They really help to train your body and brain to relax during sex!

        Good luck

        Brian

        • Question about those relaxation exercises, you say don’t forget to use them, but what about directly before to the moment? You don’t do those relaxation exercises directly before sex and she watch you, so how does it have an affect in the moment?

    4. Brian,

      This is me 100%. I’ve been seeing this girl for awhile now and the only flaw in the relationship is the sex because I’m so bad with this anxiety. We care about each other a lot, but I care too much about things in the bedroom. I think about hoping it feels good for her, I won’t perform, and basically everything you listed goes through my mind during foreplay and I don’t have those feelings and sensations and no urges to even have sex. It is so frustrating. I’ve been battling my mind and I can get hard and foreplay is great sometimes and then when we try to get down to business, I go limp immediately!!! I don’t even want to have sex within seconds!!! We’ve even been having great sex and I go soft inside of her!! How is that possible?? It’s so frustrating. I’ve quit porn and masturbation for about a week now. I’m going to start what you said and hopefully it helps because it’s destroying this great relationship :(

      Nick

      • Hi Nick,

        Thanks for sharing your story. I can really relate to what you wrote and I’m sure other guys can too.

        The good news is, you’re working on the problem and are being proactive by quitting porn and working on lowering your anxiety.

        I think you’ll find that the longer you stay away from porn, the easier it will be to get natural erections with your partner.

        Keep us posted on your results and best of luck.

        Brian

      • Nick,
        I read this and felt a huge relief! My fiancé of 8 years has always been able to perform just fine! We have a great sex life. A couple months ago we were in the moment having intercourse and then, bam, he lost it. I gave him a hard time about it because I felt like I wasn’t good enough…from then on he’s had the same thing happen. He loves to do everything but inter course and can keep an erections but as soon as I ask him for sex he starts sweating and gets all worried..if I comfort him and tell him to try he loses it inside of me. It ends up hurting me and making me feel not good enough. I read your story and it made me feel better knowing there are other guys who DO love the girl and are very attracted to her but can’t control the erection. It’s hard to accept that it isn’t our fault (coming from a girls perspective).

    5. This is the most helpful thing I have ever read, thank you

    6. Low self-esteem, complexes, bringing work-related issues to home, being nasty to others, etc., can take a heavy toll on your sexual mood. So, learn to meditate, relax, and think positively if you want to improve your sex life.

    7. Hi Nick

      I’m starting with your relaxing technique as I totally found myself in this article.
      Hopefully it will have a positive result. I will keep you posted.

      Marko

      • Hi Marko,
        Good luck and let us know how it goes! There’s no 100% “correct way” for everybody, so it’s good to get lots of feedback on different people’s results.
        Cheers
        Brian

    8. “ I now have an amazing, fulfilling sex life.  ”

      That quote resonated with me the moment I read it; so I stopped the article right there and began repeating the quote to myself over and over for hours. *Problem Solved*. We are often told to focus on what we would like to have instead of what the issue is and I did just that. Thanks man. You gave me a solution with just one line. Peace & Love

    9. I first experienced performance anxiety a year ago when I arranged to met up with an ex girlfriend. When we had been dating originally we’d had great sex but on my way to see her i suddenly started to worry that I wouldn’t live up to that memory. That fear circles around my head and sure enough I couldn’t maintain my erection long enough to have sex. Since then I’ve had a number of reoccurrences. I’m currently seeing an amazing girl and we’ve had lots of great sex but I always go into it with a mixture of excitement and fear. When I do perform I’m as much relieved as anything else. Recently I had my first “failure” with her and now it’s all I can think about. I’ve carried mild anxiety with me for a while but I refuse to let it ruin this relationship and my confidence. I hope your tips can help me with this as I don’t want my own mind to stop me from leading the life I want.

    10. I have had numorous times with not being able to get it up, have you ever felt like its impossible to have normal sex because that’s how I feel.

    11. Russell Here Brian, Ill fil you in with My problems. Im Not into Videos of Porn- I have Probably Seen in Total on Video Timewise 15 Minutes in the Last 10 Years – Thats Relatively Accurate. My Problem is Photography or Images of Women Wearing Or Partly Wearing Lingerie Made of Satin, Silk, Nylon, Or Nylon-Elastane- Becaue I Love the Feel of It On a Ladies Body. Im 55 Yrs Old- Married 1993, Divorced 2010, & For Past Year+ In Contact Almost Daily + With Melissa Who is From Brisbane ( Capital of Queensland, 1 Hour South) Mainly on Computer Because She in Her Own Job Goes Overseas to Buy Certain Things & Sells it for 3 Times Amount Back in Australia. We are Madly in Love with One Another. She is same as Me with German Heritage about 100 Yrs Ago, She is Blonde & 5’5” Tall, Im 5’3” tal. She Will Be Moving into My House Hopefully in January 2015, & Marry Next Year. & Upon Her Moving Here I Will Not Be s Interested in Images Because She is Perfect For Me & She State Same of Me For Her. Ive Read Your E Mail & Ill Use a Book Here in My Room as a Book on Why I Feel that way & The Times Etc. I havent Worked Since 1997 Because I was Caring For Intellectualy Handicapped Men & was To Be the Manaher But Had an Accident- I was Not at Fault- & the Man in Truck Owned up 3 Years Later & My Former Wife Fought Court For Me for 6 Years, Because Due to Accident I Recieved 80% Brain damage & Left Leg Amputated Below Knee. ALL GOOD Though Doctors Say Im one of 5,000 in Australia Who Totally Completely After a Short Time- Me 1 Year Now I Do Not Have ANY Brain damage At All & Have Prosthetic Leg & Walk Unaided. In Court 2003 I was Awarded Highest $$ In Australia $3.2 Million & I have No Problem that My Wife Got for Herself $500,000 Because Doctors wanted to turn OFF Life Support & She Said she was Nurse for 26 Years Caring for People With Brain Damage So They Checked the Area That Colleen Said For Them To Look, they Came Back & Said ALL Good He Wil Be Ok ( Might have Been in Fine Print ) & She Saved Me 2 Times at Home When I Collapsed in te First Week From Hospital- So $500-00 is Ok & She Got Nothing in Divorse Because of that$500,000. I have a Book of Photos from Books Etc of Ladies in Revealing Photos Etc & Melissa Says Im the Best for Her & I Say Same from Me about Her. Ill Keep Jotting Down Stuff & I Know My Addiction is Not Like Others, Because Im Not into Nakedness But Clothing On her & NO I am Not into Cross Dressing in Ladies Clothes Because You Dont feel anything With Those Clothes On, Yes For 2 Weeks 10 yrs Ago I Wore Womens Panties, Not Now Though SORRY for A Book Ive made you Read. Sorry But THANKS

    12. Hi,
      I have been single for several years now and used porn to get off regularly maybe 3-5 times a week during this whole single period. Meeting a girl recently I have had trouble keeping an erection for sex. Comes and goes with solidity. It happened once a couple years ago but I woke up with morning wood and we had fun sex. I haven’t had a chance yet to try to overcome my issue currently but its really getting in my head and I can hardly focus on anything else. I quit porn after the first instance, maybe 3 weeks ago and I’m taking a couple herbal supplements. I don’t smoke, I run marathons & do yoga and am trying your breathing techniques. I want to reboot myself so badly. My current girl I’m totally in love with and don’t want to mess this up. The fact that I am in love adds a ton of pressure which isn’t helping but this part should be so fun and exciting not anxiety ridden. I was wondering; Should I stop masturbation completely for a while? How long should I go? Any words are greatly appreciated…

    13. Hi, I have been struggling with Performance Anxiety for all of my sexual life! It has been a living nightmare.
      The example above and the stories of those in the comments was like literally ‘reading my personal story back to myself’ I honestly couldn’t believed it! First ever time, went to go do it, so anxious, I couldn’t get it up or make it stay, by the end, I couldn’t even feel it! It was just a psychological catastrophe, it happened a couple times again after that and I’ve been psychologically crippled by performance anxiety ED ever since!

      Reading peoples experiences being just like mine and of the same reasons! Makes me feel relief that I’m not alone. And this website and your experience and you’re efforts to help us…. Honestly I could cry I’m so thankful I found this!

      I am going to implement your guidance, I struggle to self relax about this topic, so I’m going to buy the guided relation MP3 (mental impotence healer)

      I prey this works, you’re only alive once, I don’t want to have a life where I could never enjoy the simple act of meeting someone and having sex.

      Thank you again for your resource and help and providing a place where I can share this internal burden and finally tell someone about it!

    14. Hi

      Thanks for this post.

      Here’s my back story. I’m 23 and I’m told I’m a fairly good looking chap. I’m confident in most aspects of life, until it comes to the bedroom. I’ve been single for most of my life, and most of my sexual experience have been alcohol fueled (sad I know). The majority of the time I experienced ED, but put it down to the alcohol. Sometimes it worked, most of the time it didn’t.

      It’s cost me big time in potential relationships going forward. No more than recently, which bought me to this page.

      This time, it all happened sober. For the first time, fully sober I invited this girl I really really liked around, we went to the bedroom.. all fun and games, put the condom on, bang it’s gone.

      It’s completely taken over my mind now. The girl will no longer talk to me. All I can think about is the moment, and it’s tearing me up. How long will this ruin potential relationships for me?!

      I’ve taken to this page, I’ve given up porn (probably fair to say I watched too much of that) and I’ve bought the mp3. I pray to god, despite not being religious, that this works…

      Thanks for your post on this, any other feedback is appreciated.

      • Wow, this is exactly true with me. I’m 22, mostly only tried having sex while drinking (well, for a total of 2 times but still), and dismissed it to the alcohol. I’ve been single most of my life, I’m reasonably good looking-though somewhat introverted and anxious-and for the last 5 years I’ve probably watched too much porn.

        A few weeks ago I brought a girl back, both totally sober and excited, and couldn’t get it. She did a 180 and now barely talks to me and I can’t get out of that moment.

        I watch way less porn now, all softcore, and I use a condom now even by myself – hoping to recreate that moment so the next time I’m in that situation it all feels familiar (and since condoms are not cheap it’s extra incentive to do this less).

        Also I think I’ll try some of the advice on this page because this was the worst feeling in the world for me

    15. Hey Brian,

      Does religion play a role in your recovery?
      I came from a hardcore Catholic family and I feel that all this knowledge about sin and stuff that I was programmed with affects my anxiety. For a long time I was led to believe that the only way I could recover from porn, ed and all my issues is to devote my life to God. But here I face a dilemma because I am not married. I hate this feeling. My mind is so fucked up. I just want to be “normal.” I feel that religion doesnt help in my rebooting and in overcoming anxiety. English is not my first language so I am having a hard time explaining myself but I hope you get my drift.

    16. Wow, this resonated with me so much. I have been married over 20 years, I am 44 now and since I was 38 have had bad experiences with anxiety induced ED. I had one failure, and rather than writing it off as being too tired that night, or what have you, I took the failure deep into my mind, and let it rule me. I have used ED meds off and on, usually with success, but now I find myself feeling dependent on them. Yesterday I had a frightening experience, experiencing hearing loss after taking cialis. Thankfully the hearing restored itself within a day (only 30% of those with this side effect ever recover their hearing) Needless to say, that was the last viagra, cialis or levitra I will ever take. I know this is from anxiety, and I know I can overcome it, but it feels so damn hopeless.

      Your page has given me something to work on, some way to try and break this cycle of self-loathing and anxiety that seems to dominate my waking thoughts. I find myself glad when I know we cannot have sex, because I am so fearful, and this is contrary and backwards to how I feel about my gorgeous, beautiful wife of 20 years that it breaks me in half inside.

      Thanks again for this.

    17. I have a very similar story to all of you…had very difficult experiences the first 2-3 times I have sex with a new girl. Didn’t matter how many times in a row I was successful after that; the fear always returned.

      I blush to think about how many supplements and herbs I tried – even Viagra a few times. I stopped because I didn’t want to become dependent.

      Then, I had a very strange experience. My roommate’s little sister was staying over one night and decided she liked me (I guess) so she crept into my room and get into bed with me. Because I was asleep and only woke up gradually, my usual alarm bells didn’t go off and I was like a porn star – we did it five times and I was hard for almost 2 hours straight. This proved to me that my difficulties were all in my mind, and that I had to focus on healing myself before anything else.

    18. Hello! Would yoou mind if I sharre our blog with my zynga group?
      There’s a lot of people that I think would really appreciate your content.
      Please let me know. Thanks

    19. Brian,
      I have a question. Your progressive relaxation technique, that just over time fixed your performance anxiety ? Because I can be anxiety and stress free doing your relaxation technique but I don’t quite see how that’s related to being put in a sexually stressful situation. Should I be mentally putting myself in that type of situation ? Or is it during that type of situation your supposed to think back to the relaxation exercise ?
      Thanks.

    20. Relaxation started doing it for me too. It started two years ago and things were getting worse day by day. My relaxation routine isn’t as complex as the one described in the article, but it does the trick.
      I tried quitting porn and watching cam girls altogether, but it didn’t help a bit. I even found an article claiming some of these practices might help with the performance anxiety(https://www.fapshows.com/blog/could-live-sex-cams-help-with-performance-anxiety), but I seriously doubt that is the case.

    21. This article truly resonated with me. Great read and taking these techniques into practice. I used to never have these troubles, until the last 5 months. I’ve cut off all porn (no desire to watch it anymore) and really cut fapping to a minimum.

      I’ve begun the relaxation techniques you’ve described too. One session already left me feeling loose.

      Cheers!

    22. I find that vibrating cock rings help. Being that they retain all the blood and the vibrations help you focus on your erection and having a good time rather than worrying. If you tried one of these, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Best relaxation method there is lol.

    23. Hi Brian, this is exactly me! I used to think there was some unexplainable reason why I had such trouble getting and maintaining an erection, or having arousing thoughts, until I realised what the real problem was. When I was a teenager I actually used to have too high of a libido (well, I guess I was a teenager, but I mean I’d get aroused easily and my erections were so hard and persistent is was often painful). But oddly enough, when I started masturbating I would go through this process where, after ejaculation I’d get immediately worried I’d lose the ability to have an erection ever again (I know it’s irrational, but I suffered from and still suffer from anxiety and OCD, as well as depression). Progressively, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Well, I still COULD get aroused and an erection, but progressively less and less, and it required greater stimuli to achieve the same hardness.etc as i did before. By the time I was about 17-18 it got to the point when I didn’t think I could even be in a relationship because I couldn’t reliably ‘get it up.’ I thought I was ‘de-sensitised’ to stimuli, but I didn’t realise all the super negative thoughts I was attaching to it was he problem.

      Anyway, this has been a major problem for me for over 10 years now! I’m 29 now, nearly 30. I’ve never had a girlfriend although I do admit I’ve been with a few prostitutes, or escorts let’s say (legal ones, as it’s legal here in Australia). I was extremely nervous beforehand, and there was also pressure to ‘get my money’s worth’ and still also not look like a freak to the girl. In most cases I did manage to get some degree of hardness, but in one case I was too soft to penetrate for long. I realised just how much I was tensing, and after thrusting for a few minutes it seemed to get soft. The other thing, and I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this, is I’d continue being hard but I wouldn’t be able to feel anything! Nothing at all! Not sure if you’ve ever experienced this. I was so tense I just couldn’t cum. So in one case while I was hard enough to penetrate for awhile I didn’t feel anything and couldn’t cum, so she just had to give me a handjob. On none of the 3 occasions was I able to actually cum from vaginal sex. Even oral usually didn’t do the trick, just a hand job. In fact even with normal masturbation sometimes I don’t feel anything from tension. I notice when I relax and just focus on sexy thoughts instead of how I’m not feeling the way I’m supposed to the feeling returns. Weird, isn’t it? I really did/do want a relationship, but my thinking was, ‘if I’ll never be able to satisfy a woman and have a sexual relationship with her, might as well experience sex at least once or twice in my life.’ Kind of sad I know.

      Anyway yeah…for all these years I just felt I was de-sensitised, had lost the ability and nothing could help me. It hurt my self-esteem, and made me constantly anxious and depressed. At times I almost felt suicidal. Only quite recently did I realise how much being relaxed made difference, and it was partly due to my generalised anxiety getting so bad. I have other weird OCD things, and I frequently say my fears ‘sabotage’ me by worrying. The meds probably complicate things too. These other OCD fears, some really weird, doesn’t help this one either. When I’m anxious I feel almost unable to get an erection.

      Anyway, thanks for posting this for guys like me who are going through this. It does give us hope, and I hope it will help many men. I will try some relaxation techniques you’ve mentioned – I already am investigating them more due to my anxiety. I, like you, fully believed and still fear that I will never have an relationship in my life. That’s a big reason why I wasn’t that serious about dating, part of me was actually afraid I’d find someone only to not be able to perform and be humiliated. Do you think I can be cured, even if it’s been over 10 years? Actually closer to 15, which is near half my life. I keep thinking ‘it’s been so long it’ll never change’, but that thinking might ensure it doesn’t. I have found believing otherwise has helped, but only in small spurts.

      Well thanks for listening, John.

    24. I started having panic attacks during sex ever since my first sexual encounter. This was in 1993 before the internet even existed for the masses. Basically my heart rapidly beats, I tense up, and my erection is gone (end of story). I personally don’t watch porn and maybe masturbate 2 times a week. I tried complete no masturbation for 90 days once. This is crippling and it doesn’t help that every website blames sexual anxiety on porn or tells me I need supplements and viagra.

      Broscience hasn’t help me.

    25. this is me 100%. Fairly confident guy, but first time got too nervous. Haven’t been able to break out of it. Got a girlfriend who is very supportive. Tried not masturbating too often(less than once a week) and using the guided relaxation every day for a month, then saw my girlfriend but it didn’t work. It was a short time seeing her so now I have 2 months to do the same thing. Taking a pill to boost sexual arousal, don’t want to use cialis or viagra, that seems like cheating. I really want to overcome this.

    26. dESTINYCHASER says:

      Hi Brain,
      Thanks Man for this blog…kind of refreshing…5 months no PMO…2 times porn view and 1 time edged though (not with porn)….morning wood penis health are good now..was terrible 5 months ago..but i would love to keep this short..its just that you and others are talking about a comfortable partner for recovery..yes very important…but many people dont have that..like for myself neither i can get one easily..(trying very hard) ….meanwhile without a partner it is becoming a nightmare man! i am unsure about my sexual status now…i dont want to go for paid sex..makes me very uncomfortable…i have tried to shift my focus on other issues like my work etc…but its very hard…so what would be your suggestion for someone who does not have a partner and going through the hell of ed…need some suggestions…and do you have any knowledge about precum that comes after erection in my case everytime i am getting erect this precum is killing the erection…thanks!

    27. I’m completly lost.
      I’m 28 and all my sexual life have been a struggle.
      I think I’m failing now at my five year relationship because I go limp only when it comes down to sex.
      I feel like such a loser. I haven’t had much sexual partners because of this.
      My partner doesn’t belive in sexual anxiety and blames my weight gain on it.
      I don’t feel good about myself anymore.
      I’m not even sure why I’m bugging you guys with my complaints,
      I honestly feel like I failed at life. I found someone I gave all I had to and now they are unhappy sexually because of this..
      Sex isn’t a big deal but it’s causing us to get distant.
      I just feel it’s best I leave this relationship and go back to my country…

      Sorry to comment all this rubbish , I just wanted someone to hear me out tonight .
      Question… – is it possible to go limp when in love ? But my partner isn’t very affectionate and often puts me down …But I can probably have an orgasm with a stranger ? I never cheated but just wondering

    28. I’ve always had problems with self esteem, and i finally got the opportunity to lose my virginity at the age of 20. Foreplay was going on and i was enjoying it and started to get hard and then i lost it and couldn’t get it up again. i was so embarrassed and humiliated. i ended up leaving early. when i got home i couldn’t sleep i was so worked up. to the point where i couldn’t even eat food without feeling sick from the nots in my stomach. i kept thinking of things like: ill never find a girlfriend now, ill never have the chance to have kids. this happened three days ago and I’m still stressed out. I’m reading all these advice pages and thinking they won’t help and i don’t know what to do. i can’t even enjoy an erection by myself now. I’m so emotionally fucked right now and i don’t know where to go with it. I’m going to try the relaxation but I’m scared it won’t work and therefore it makes me question whether it will or not. I’m at the point right now where depression is starting to loom over my head and I’m starting to have thoughts about my life that I’ve never even considered before.

    29. Keep in mind that the occasional inability to get it up, so to speak, is not technically erectile dysfunction so there is little cause for concern. Emphasis must be made on the term “persistent inability”, which translates to more than 50% of the time.

      Fortunately, erectile dysfunction can be treated in most cases. Just be sure to discuss your best options with your doctor before taking any medicine, or using any device, or adopting any measures to address your chronic inability to achieve a full erection.

    Trackbacks

    1. [...] have performance anxiety. Train your body to relax and your mind will [...]

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    3. [...] How to Overcome Performance Anxiety: What Really Worked For Me http://rebootblueprint.com/Performance Anxiety. My personal experience with sexual anxiety is not uncommon among young men recently. This is what happened: 1. I experienced a time when I could not achieve an erection with a girl who I was … [...]

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