“My 365 days of porn freedom” by PL
September 15, 2015 will be a year since I masturbated to porn (PMO). The journey was not easy and painful at some points; however the rewards gained through abstaining from porn are life changing.
I have been watching porn since I was age 12, I am currently age 32. My father gave me my first porn magazine at 13; however I did not start masturbating until age 14. Seriously age 14 is when I started PMO. I grow up with my grandmother being really religious and saying sex is a sin. The thing is I would watch porn at age 12-14 on the Playboy and Spice channel; my family had the box with all the channels.
The problem started when I first masturbated; which created a downward spiral. I would wait until mid-night when the Robin Byrd Show would come on along with all the 900 number commercials or watch the cable in the living room when no one was in the house.
At that point of chronic PMO (Porn Masturbation Orgasm) everyday unknown to me I was becoming a withdrawn youth. Now that I look back at my High school years, I can understand why I was emotional broken and shy. I was an attractive youth; however being an attractive youth is nothing without confidence. I was also having a lot of family issues which may have contributed to my constant PMO.
I had no internet in the house from 1997 until 2001 where the PMO came from magazines which I stole a lot from my brother who came home from jail (he had a Gym bag filled with porn magazines), cable channels (Adult and Playboy), and late night television, and bootleg porn dvds. In 2001 I finally got the Internet dial up, so to get a nude picture it took over a minute sometimes longer to download a Jpeg.
Looking back now I can see my early PMOing was my way of dealing with stress. It would be every day. It also contributed to my social anxiety and lack of aggression/sex drive.
When I got to college I lost my virginity at age 19. I was still PMOing but I had no problem putting on a condom which I will talk about later. Sex was great with a condom. She was my girlfriend for about close to 2 years.
Then I got DSL and this is when all the problems started to happen. I became hooked on free Internet porn which was easy to access. My PMO escalated from once a day to 5 if it was possible. It became a ritual. The problems with my erections and sex drive started getting lower gradually. I remember having sex with this girl in my grandmother’s building and I did not feel anything wearing the condom. I had delayed ejaculation and just thought this was because of bad sex. However, I was becoming more attracted to porn and less to real women. People were questioning was I gay because I was not chasing women like regular guys in their early 20’s. The constant PMO was killing my drive as well as feeding my depression and social anxiety. I felt awkward around women like I had no social skills.
Then I moved out and was renting rooms. I would have girls come over with no desire to have sex. My hand gave me more pleasure. I was making no moves with a girl on top of me. I did not understand why I had no interest. Then came the moment when I failed to have sex with a condom. I was able to be stimulated from oral sex; maybe it was more of the visual. However, I would lose my erection because of the condom. I did not understand, I continued to only be aroused for oral; however a condom destroyed my erection. I just thought the girl was not attractive enough and I would PMO when she left. I don’t know how she stayed with me for 6 months. I cursed her out disrespectfully because of my own short comings which was stupid; we are still cool to this day even through that was about seven years ago. All other girls it was the same thing but I could still receive oral sex.
Rewired without knowing
I continued to PMO when I met my current girlfriend of almost 7 years. We got a little drunk and had unprotected sex (WHICH I DO NOT RECOMMEND NOR AM PROUD OF); I do remember when we were having sex I was not enjoying it as much; I was happy we had sex but it did not feel great, I did not ejaculate. In the morning she wanted to have more sex, I said I was tired and passed her some cab money. Two more days pass and I go to her house and had bad premature ejaculation and I was having problems maintaining an erection when having sex in doggie position, which took about two months until no problem with any positions. I guess she really liked me. The problem was I continued to PMO with regular sex. However, I still enjoyed PMO more. My depression still was present and continued to grow.
The pre reboot
In august of 2014, I and my girlfriend had an issue of infidelity on her part. I started to go out to Meet Up groups and a little day game. One day at a bar downtown Manhattan I’m talking to a nice good looking Brazilian women. I’m grabbing on her butt and we are getting along with a great vibe. The thing is I did not purse sex when we left, it was late like after mid night and she looked disappointed because I did not pursue sex. I just had no desire; I should not have mislead her by squeezing her butt.
Then some weeks later I started dating two other women I met during speed dating, yes I was still with my girlfriend (don’t judge me I’m laying out how I got to doing a reboot). One of them I was so attracted to I was getting an erection just from kissing her, I tried to take her home but she wasn’t with it; but we continued dating. However, the other one I felt nothing not even kissing. At this point I was having unprotected sex with my girlfriend and still major PMOing. The reason for the infidelity may have been because I was more interested in PMO pixel girls and not her.
Then one day while PMOing my erections became weak and I tried on a condom which I have bad experiences with and I could not put on the condom. I quickly started to google why I could not wear a condom and keep an erection (I was also PEing and DEing a lot). The information lead me to this site and other sites that told me about the problem of Porn use. It was September 14, 2014 that I found this information out. I decided to not PMO and do the reboot. I wanted to fix my sexual problems.
The One year reboot
When I started the reboot day one being September 15, 2014, I was having a lot of sex with my girlfriend I’m talking about everyday almost. However, I noticed I was getting massive brain fog every time I ejaculated and she was loving the delayed ejaculation (DE) which I was only using to prove my ego that I was a great lover, but I was not enjoying the sex at the level I am currently enjoying which I would have never imaged (you know you are getting better when the stimulation and quality you feel on your penis increases). However, with no PMO I was getting bad headaches after ejaculation. Then on Columbus Day, I experienced the flatline (I believe I was in flatline for years just because of the low sex drive). My penis just stop working, this is about a month with no PMO.
I confessed to my girlfriend on that day that I was rebooting from PMOing and the problem I had for years. I had to tell her, my penis stop getting hard even in her mouth and that is damaging to a woman. She through it was because of the other girls I was dating but I stop trying to pursue sex with them because I did not want to bring them into my reboot and PMO problem. She said she will support me in my reboot. I also sent her links to the websites on PMO. I had no libido, I was super depressed, and I started crying out of nowhere on some days. At that point I got in contact with a therapist and starting going once a week. The depression was crazy and sex was being failed at half the rate, with bad semen leakage and brain fog. I even had a terrible violent outburst in November. Things started to get better around February which was the last time I failure at an erection. I was always tired as well. Then by April I started to feel better and was going to therapy every two weeks.
I did not PMO or MO (Masturbate Orgasm) at all during my reboot or currently up until today. However, I was reading to keep away from Orgasms (O); however I continued to Orgasm which may have been my reason for bad brain fog and withdrawal symptoms.
By the spring I was having sex 100% with a little PE. The PE went away in the end and the stimulation is great that I feel during sex. I tell people that I have not MO or watched porn in a year and they can’t believe it.
Points to take away
You will feel super worst before things get better. The withdrawal and flatline are real. The depression was the worst. I will tell you that I wish I have never PMO because I would have avoided this bad depression I had. Now that I don’t PMO my social anxiety and depression faded away.
I understand that I am still susceptible to PMO and will always be an addict. This way I do not test myself with porn. Porn is not an option; treat it like a recovered Alcoholic treats beer and wine. It can no longer be a part of your life.
Don’t waste money on supplements — people will try to cash in on your problem. Trust me I wasted money in the beginning. Your brain has to heal and weaken the porn pathways.
Even though I did not slip during the year, don’t give up if you do. And again things will get WORSE before they get BETTER.
“On Earning Your Orgasms By Giving Up On Your Porn And Masturbation Addiction” by Josh
I was still in high school when it started. I had just gotten my first girlfriend and jumped into all kinds of different sex early on. As a teen, it’s obvious that I never struggled with erectile dysfunction. Every time we were together I knew I was going to have sex. Then, once I’d come home, I would watch porn and masturbate.
I’d been masturbating to porn every day since I turned 13. Sometimes twice a day. Sometimes three times. All was well with that lifestyle until just a couple months after getting together with my girl. While lying naked on her bed with her on top of me while we were alone in her house, I had my first taste of porn induced erectile dysfunction. I could feel my erection getting weaker with each passing second and within just a few minutes, I had nothing left to work with.
When I reached home, I pulled out my iPod, went to my favourite site and locked the bathroom door. Miraculously, I was able to achieve and maintain my full, hard erection. If I had seen the connection right then and there, I may have saved myself 8 months, two relationships and thousands of taxpayer dollars wasted on ultrasounds and expensive tests attempting to figure out why a horny young kid couldn’t keep it up.
Shortly after experiencing erectile dysfunction, my girlfriend called to ask me about our relationship. She asked me if she was too ugly, too fat, lousy at sex and any other possible insecurity a teenage girl might have. As much as I tried to assure her that this was a problem with me, she had trouble buying it. From an outsider’s perspective, a teenage guy should always get an erection in the presence of a girl unless he is gay or she is lacking something sexually. There was no doubt in either of our minds regarding my sexual orientation, so instead I tired myself night after night coming up with possible excuses for my weak erections. With nothing changing after multiple months, we decided it was time to end the relationship.
Very quickly I found myself moving forward with a new person. I was scared that when the time came, I wouldn’t be able to perform and may repeat this entire cycle. Unable to build the courage to confront my family about my condition, I scheduled an appointment for my doctor. I bussed for several hours to my doctors office where I was subject to a full check-up. My doctor, an older man with years of experience in health-care, said that he’d never seen anything even similar to my case in a person under the age of 25. He gave me his word that he would get me better and scheduled regular appointments over the next few months to see my progress and recommend new treatments, medication and procedures.
Still trying to hide my condition from my parents, I bounced from test centre to test centre multiple times a week. I’d received sperm counts, ultra-sounds, X-Rays, brain scans and physical evaluations. When each test came up normal, I was told to meet a number of experts on male sexual health and erectile dysfunction. Luckily, as a Canadian citizen, I didn’t have to pay a dime. Had I been an American, I would’ve wasted thousands of dollars trying to solve a simple problem.
Although prohibited, during one appointment my doctor slipped me three Cialis pills along with 10 Viagra. He instructed me on how to take them, to not bring his name up and to check back with my results. Once again, after 5 months without sex, I attempted sex with my new girlfriend. I took my pills a half hour before I visited her and proceeded to have sex with no issues or surprises. I checked back with my doctor less than a week later and he was able to conclude that my erectile dysfunction was not related to a physical issue but instead an underlying psychological one.
Although I was still unable to reach a natural erection with my partners, I took comfort every night in the fact that I could still masturbate to porn. Slowly, though, the type of porn I found myself watching was becoming more specific to my tastes. I became increasingly interested in girls of a certain type, with certain appearances and certain voices doing certain things. I could no longer watch amateur videos in poor quality, with short girls or curvy bodies. When I tried, I would quickly lose my erection. I was used to top quality porn and my body wouldn’t settle for less. I connected the dots, took a quick Google search for porn related erectile dysfunction and found Brian’s blog.
Brian’s blog was in its early life. I read up on the few existing articles, Brian’s story and put his advice to the test. Within 3 months, I was experiencing an awesome sense of virility, forgotten levels of libido and the hardest erections I’d ever had in my life.
So how did I do it?
Brian’s blog was the first look into the stories of others like me. From reading it, I’d determined that my erectile dysfunction was either a result of performance anxiety or PIED.
- I fully committed myself to the program.
In the beginning, I attempted to just give up the porn. Time after time, my masturbation would lead me to “need” porn, and I would be back at ground zero. When I fully gave up PMO, I was unpleasantly rewarded with a lack of morning wood, no boners from women passing on the street, it was as if I had no improvement at all. More painfully, however, I gave up sex with my girlfriend until I was fully healed. As a result, I ended up losing her.
As hard as that was for me, I stuck with it and after just a couple weeks, I had flickers of life back in my penis.
- I put together a library of articles that inspired and motivated me and made them my Bible.
- Take advantage of the resources available.
There are plenty of blog posts out there to help: Reboot Blueprint, YourBrainOnPorn, etc. I also used Brian’s Craving Crusher to help me day to day.
- Stick with it.
I had a bumpy three months of no PMO. I had to start over a few times and you likely will too, but when you see the results come back with so much momentum you will regret every wasted effort on your journey.
After just three months I had back my erections, libido and, as predicted in previous success stories, I found myself exuding an outstanding level of confidence and swagger. I’d reached my most successful ever social stage going on dates with multiple women per week, being in control of my life and succeeding mostly with every woman I met. It wasn’t long before I had a new partner to whom I explained my story. Soon after, I experienced some of the best most meaningful sex in my life. It was a milestone that reflected my struggle. I knew I was cured.
So, on behalf of myself and my partner:
THANK YOU BRIAN! And to everyone else out there struggling with PIED, you’re not alone and no matter your age or your experiences, there is help out there.
Today has been my 30th day since I have had looked at pornography or masturbated! This is the longest I have ever gone in my 31 years of existence without doing this. It is a more significant achievement for me than running the marathon, completing my MBA, moving to U.S., getting my Engineering degree, getting my first job and getting my first paycheck.
It might look like an overstatement from an outsider’s perspective, but to the people on this website and the people who are trying to make a change in this aspect of their life this is an important milestone. My story was similar to others, I always watched porn or masturbated when I was feeling rejected, depressed or angry, it was my release. I never considered porn to be the drug it actually was and didn’t realize the affect it was having on my life.
My low-point came when I had to use my computer for a work presentation and someone typed up something on my Google Chrome browser, the results were not decent and although no-one noticed anything, I came very close to losing my job. Even then, I was so addicted to porn that I bought another computer and used that for my porn needs. The feeling of helplessness finally came on my 31st birthday, when I was looking at a letter which I had written to myself as an 11 year old boy in school. I realized 90% of the items in the list are incomplete and was getting depressed. I turned on the computer to get my usual release and saw myself in the mirror, the man who stared back was not me and I was scared of myself.
I then started looking at websites and forums to help me quit this drug. The first thing I noticed was that websites like nofap.com, rebootblueprint.com, fightthenewdrug.org and others were few and far between. Almost 85 to 90% of online traffic liked porn and wanted to force people in that direction.
I have learnt a lot about myself during these 30 days of not masturbating or watching porn and have enjoyed time with myself. My advice to anyone trying this would be the following:
- Get an accountability partner, it is more important than you think and helps you succeed
- Get rid of all your porn — yes all of it including the pictures
- In the initial days, make sure you don’t spend time alone (it’s dangerous and risky)
I then decided to setup an accountability partner in the form of my best friend and ex room-mate, by giving her all my passwords for porn blocking software. I also decided to investigate the size and volume of pornography industry and had the opportunity to meet an ex-porn star in San Francisco recently, I realized by watching and paying for porn people everywhere are directly contributing to the growth of the human trafficking industry. This realization further turned me off porn, although the temptation to go back was strong.
I decided to hit the gym with a vengeance , I had realized that my triggers generally happened after I came back from office and before dinner, so I made sure that I worked-out during that time 5 days a week. I also got triggers on week-end afternoons, so I went on long walks on Saturdays and Sundays, by doing this for 20 days continuously, I started noticing changes in my personality and demeanor.
Although I am not generally shy, I have never been the first to approach a girl in a bar or coffee shop, I find it slightly cheesy and generally I am scared of rejection. Recently, I got the balls to talk to a girl in a meetup and I genuinely enjoyed the experience. I was very shocked, when she gave me her phone number and asked me to give her a call, as that rarely happens to me. I did call her next day and we went out a couple of times after that. I asked her why she gave me her phone number and she told me that I was giving of a good vibe and appearing confident.
Although I am not married as of now, I have had two long-term relationships a couple of years ago. I was always bitter about the way things ended and didn’t make any attempt to be friends with my ex-girlfriends I have sent both of them emails seeking closure.
Ultimately, I intend to rewire my brain’s reward center completely till that one day when I don’t feel the need to seek consolation from pornography and I am not afraid of people looking at my private life.
I wanted to thank you Brian for the material you have put up on your site and the personalized messages. You and other people like you are waging a war against the entire internet and it is incredibly brave.
I want to be by your side and I hope I will be worthy.
“Endurance” by Willing7
I was eleven years old when I first came across a pornographic image. It was a video case that me and my younger brother had found in the back of the trunk of our silver Ford Aerostar. Even after all these years I can clearly recall the image of this pornographic material plain as day. It is like a permanent imprint that was made upon my brain. The video case belonged to my Dad who carelessly kept it hidden wanting nobody to discover it. When telling my story of the very real struggle against pornography and masturbation, I must start with my childhood memories that I experienced in my home. Throughout most of my childhood I experienced many negative moments. Along with the bad memories there are several great memories as well. A pretty normal up bringing with a very loving and sheltering home. But there was a lot of severe lows within my family. My parents were constantly getting into terrible fights. The loudness of screaming and yelling still echo in my mind. Where this becomes relevant into my observations of just how damaging pornography can be, is reflecting on the impact it had on my Dad. And how it ultimately rippled into his role as a Husband and a Father. Life throws a lot of challenging obstacles at you, so to say that all the problems in my family were caused by my Dads pornography addiction would not be accurate. But without a doubt I know this stronghold in my Dads life was contributing to the dysfunction in many areas of his life. Such as being a good husband and father. Leading with character and integrity. Pornography has brought on a great deal of trouble and has taken him right out of the game in several areas of his life, just as pornography does to all the thousands and thousands of men today. Now being a 25 year old and dealing with my own personal battle with pornography I have learned even more about the effects it has on one’s life. This leads me nicely to my own personal account and struggle with pornography.
Being addicted to pornography is something that lives in the dark. It’s a secret that is kept from everyone. It takes place in the moments when nobody is watching. It lures you in with the heavenly escape of pleasure that only lasts for a short moment and quickly passes by. Why risk being shut down by a pretty woman when you can go look at thousands of beautiful woman online with no fear of rejection. Pornography keeps you isolated and disconnected from reality through the counterfeit and fraudulent feeling of euphoria that comes with each orgasm. This rush of stimulation conditions and trains your brain into this cycle of escape followed by always seeking another hit when the cravings come back.
I am 25 years old and I have known about the negative effects of pornography right from the start. The problem is that knowing and actually doing something about it are two completely different things. During my teenage years I was right in the middle of the great technological advancements our society was making. Largely the introduction to cell phones and the internet. This has opened the doors to great possibilities in our world and has had an impact on the very way life is lived by millions today. For the individuals who are hooked on pornography, the internet has profoundly changed the way a person can view and consume pornography. Instead of walking into sleazy adult stores and risking your reputation to being seen by someone you know, now you can simply and easily access pornography in the comfort of your own home at no cost. At least that’s what you think. I’m not making excuses for our generation or saying we are any different from our predecessors. Sex and prostitution have been around right from the beginning. But I do believe this is the perfect storm for our young generation growing up today. The loss of true intimacy and the natural way of things, for exchange to the perversion of pornography.
My involvement with the nofap academy started way back to when they first started developing into a community. I remember deeply struggling and feeling so alone. So one night out of complete curiosity I searched online for help in overcoming pornography and masturbation. What I went on to find was a complete surprise to me. There was a website dedicated to offering support and calling out the issue of pornography and masturbation. Learning that there was this group of people that were aware of the negative effects that pornography could have on a person’s life gave me a real lift in motivation. It brought me out of the mindset that I was the only one in the world struggling with this. This mindset had a powerful grip and influence on me and brought about debilitating shame. It gave me hope that if this problem of indulging in porn was also hurting others in similar ways it was hurting me, then maybe there really is something destructive about doing this. I see it all the time on the nofap community about how nofap alone will change our life and give you superpowers. A lot of times these posts get shot down as over exaggerated placebo effects that hold no merit.
While I do believe that there is a combination of factors that must be addressed and confronted, I believe one hundred percent that nofap really is a liberating step in changing your life in ways you never thought possible. On streaks as little as two-three weeks there is an overflow of emotions that I have experienced. It’s like all the life and energy that has been wasted on using porn as a way to escape from reality, all comes surfacing back into my life. It’s like a raging sea of energy. Desires to live and connect with real people becomes important again. The closest feeling I can give to this experience is that it feels like you are AWAKE again. You don’t realize how all those sessions of indulging in pornography and masturbation for all those years has kept you handicapped and has taken so much from you. It’s like you have been taken right out of the game and placed on the sidelines watching life pass you by. Slowly isolating you and robbing you piece by piece everything that once was important to you. Zapping you of your precious energy and motivation to make a difference in your life or in the life of others. Your ultimate joy in life, whether you want to believe it or not, becomes the time spent far away with you and your computer or phone screen searching the never ending novelty of porn.
Currently I’m still struggling and I have failed miserably hundreds of times. But I will continue to stand back up. A streak here a streak there brings new insight and strength. Trying to free yourself from this is as difficult as anything this world can throw at you. But with each failure the sun will rise again and you will find your strength time and time again. That is one of the keys to finding success, the enduring effort to keep trying. My final thoughts to conclude this story is to get out there and live. Be so busy living and loving others that the thought of returning to your old ways never have the chance to put you back in the prison.
“First time sharing my story” by KC
Well I don’t know from where to start. I will take you back to the first time I hit puberty, I had no idea what was going on and I found the vast ocean of internet to welcome me. You know what might happen. After a few years I was in college and still an addict to porn, I used to ditch my friends in order to watch some porn and have that rush that comes with it. It all came to that point when I got diagnosed with cancer, I somehow considered that my porn addiction is linked to what got into me. I tried my hardest to stop but I failed over and over again. I remember one time I was taking the freakin’ chemo and wanking it to porn. I was miserable. I felt so bad at that time and I was unable to call anyone for help, it is considered taboo to ask someone for help with porn addiction stuff from where I come from, I was completely lost.
I know my story might sound full of failures and it looks like I had no control of my life at that time but things started to change a couple of years ago. I must mention that the NoFapAcademy helped a little bit but I relapsed while I was watching their videos and letters, I believe if no one is keeping an eye on you, you are destined to fail, or so I have thought.
I decided to make a diary of my abstinence days, you know as a mood of encouragement and I love Grey’s Anatomy so much, so I told myself that each five days of abstinence will get me one episode of Grey’s Anatomy and if I want to watch another episode I must have ten days and so forth… I must say that I failed at that too. I don’t know what gets into me when I am alone in front of the laptop screen, I just zone out and I can hear this little voice in the back of my mind telling me to stop but I chose to ignore it each and every single time.
In the middle of June this year, my mum got diagnosed with Carotid Stenosis and my sister had an ovarian torsion and I was struggling to get a job and stand on my feet, at that moment I just took a second and prayed really hard in order to be supported with a force bigger than mine because God knows I have failed so many times and it is obvious that it is not in my powers to control my addiction. And I have no idea how that happened but I have been clean ever since. I feel great and I feel so proud of myself, I must say I am afraid of relapse especially when I am alone and I reach this point every once and a while when I am so close to slip but I snap out of it luckily.
Please note that I have attached a pic of my agenda or diary or whatever it is in order to verify my story.
This is the first time I write my story and share it with someone.
At the end I would like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story with you.