How to Masturbate Correctly for Men, Part 2: Relax and Take it Slow

Masturbation tips for men

Recap from Part 1

In Part 1 of How To Masturbate Correctly, we looked at why the widespread availability of high-speed internet porn has been creating problems for young men. Namely, why the way most of us masturbate with porn leads to unrealistic expectations, negative self-talk and performance anxiety. In other words, why the way you’re likely doing it can be bad for your erections and performance during REAL sex.

Now, I know there’s plenty of guys out there who have no problems surrounding masturbation and sex. But if you’re reading this blog or searching for “how to masturbate correctly”, chances are you are experiencing some sort of problem.

So now that we’ve looked at what’s wrong with the way most of us masturbate and the associated problems, let’s look at what we can do to fix this.

First: Reboot Your Brain

reboot your brain

**If you don’t have any problems with porn, you can skip down to here

If you are struggling with porn-induced ED or porn addiction, you first need to take time off from porn AND masturbation to start the healing process.

You will need to “reboot” your system.

You may have heard the term “reboot” used with abstaining from porn before. In the last few years, there has been a growing community of men (young and old) who experienced erectile dysfunction from their porn use.

A reboot means abstaining from porn, masturbation and orgasm (also known as PMO) for a given period of time.

During this period (from a few weeks to a few months) your brain has a chance to re-condition itself to more natural sexual experiences.

You might be asking… 

Why not just quit porn? Do I need to abstain from masturbation too?

In my experience, and that of many other guys, abstaining from both porn AND masturbation for a period of time is the best way to get the body’s natural sexuality to return to before (morning wood, erections from non-porn stimulus).

How long will do I have to wait?

This really depends on the individual. Some guys (especially those who grew up without porn and became heavy users later) may find that their natural libido comes back within a few weeks. Other guys, who were heavy users for longer, may find that it takes up to 6 months to a year for their libido to return. For more info, read How long will my reboot take?

When you’re at the point that your libido seems to be coming back, then is the time to carefully reintroduce masturbation.

It won’t be easy to quit porn, but there are strategies that can help. Here is some further reading if you’re thinking about rebooting because of porn-induced ED.

Porn and ED: My Story

How to Overcome a Porn Addiction: Advice From 10 Influential Sex Health Writers

The Missing Piece to Recovery: Correct Masturbation 

I think it’s fair to say that 99.9% of guys are not ‘taught’ how to masturbate. It’s something we just kind of figure out on our own.

This usually works out fine, but there are some variations of self-taught masturbation — speed, intensity, technique, etc. — that can cause real problems when it comes time for real sex.

Let’s look at some helpful suggestions for how to masturbate.

Create a SAFE Place – Physically and Mentally 

lock the door

A Relaxed, No Time-Pressure Environment

First off, you want to be RELAXED and TAKE YOUR TIME.

Why?

Because you want to avoid two of the most common male sexual dysfunctions: Performance Anxiety and Premature Ejaculation.

These two dysfunctions are trained into your body with the way you masturbate.

If you’re worried you’re going to get caught by someone (a parent, a roommate, etc) while ‘jacking off’, you’re going to rush through the process and inadvertently train your body to ejaculate quickly.

And if you’re usually tense while masturbating, you also might be connecting your sexual arousal with feeling tense and stressed, which some argue can contribute to performance anxiety.

By creating a safe, relaxed atmosphere and emphasizing taking your time, you can re-train your body to work differently, which will carry over to when you have sex.

So, how do you create a relaxed environment?

For starters, make sure no one will disturb you:

-lock your door

-turn off your phone

-make sure no one will drop in unexpectedly by setting expectations (for example, if you live with a roommate, say you’re taking a nap and are not to be disturbed for any reason)

You might also try setting the mood:

-light some candles

-take a hot bath

-listen to relaxing music that will help turn off the thinking part of your brain

The above suggestions may not sound too “manly”, but I assure you aren’t just for women.

Men are notoriously bad at holding onto stress until we snap.   So in addition to the sexual benefits, you get the added benefit of decreasing your general stress level.

If you’re experiencing performance anxiety during sex, you should consider training your body to be relaxed in sexual situations. How exactly do you do that?

I’ve written a few articles on this topic that might help:

How to Overcome Performance Anxiety: What Really Worked For Me

The Most Important Tools To Get Rid Of Sexual Performance Anxiety

 

Take it SLOW

take it slow

During puberty, many guys learn to masturbate quickly to avoid getting caught in an embarrassing situation. Years of masturbating quickly can have consequences on how long you’ll last with a real partner – which is why some guys experience premature ejaculation.

Start by SLOWING down the pace.

Most women need between 10 and 20 minutes of penetration (in addition to foreplay and direct clitoral stimulation of course) to orgasm, so you should try to extend your masturbation sessions to AT LEAST match that.

If you’re currently a minute man, work to extend your stamina over the space of a few weeks. Don’t be mad at yourself if you

Regular Kegel exercises can help with your staying power, and have been shown to improve erections over 6 months in different studies.

If you’re already at the point where you can comfortably go for a 10-20 minutes, you might try focusing more on relaxation (see the section above)

Simulate The Feeling Of Real Sex 

When many guys have sex for the first time, they realize that foreplay and real sex are so different from the way they masturbate that their bodies don’t react they way they want: with an erection!

Ideally, you want your masturbation to simulate the act of sex as closely as possible. That means no “death grip” around your penis, but gentle touching with lotion, oil or lube.

Focus on sensations

Focus on SENSATIONS

The problem with the way most of us masturbate is that it focuses primarily on only ONE sense: visual.

We have inadvertently trained our brains to respond sexually only to visual stimulus through magazines and videos.

Ideally you want to rewire your brain to respond to a mix of different stimuli, just like with real sex: physical touch, smell, sound, and visual (by way of our imagination).

This will take some time, and you might find that because your body is so conditioned to react only to pornography, that at first you don’t have any physical reaction to just touching.

Also, while you might think that your only erogenous zone is your penis (and testicles), you might be surprised to find out that you enjoy touching other areas (stomach, inside of your thighs, etc). It’s up to you to find out where and what you enjoy.

Focus on those neglected senses — touch, smell, hearing… These have all been relegated to the background because of the intense visual/voyeuristic nature of the way we masturbate with pornography.

As I mentioned above, some things will appeal to your other senses: light a scented candle (cheesy, yes – but underrated!) or incense; do some yoga or breathing exercises beforehand; and put on some sensual music.

Don’t be hard on yourself

If it’s been a while since you masturbated, or it’s the first time masturbating without pornography, you shouldn’t have high expectations.

In fact, you shouldn’t have ANY expectations of climaxing, or even getting an erection.

Remember: there is nobody watching or judging you and you are in a safe place.

The goal of the session should be to start getting your body used to your touch. Just lay back, enjoy and see where it takes you.

If you get an erection with just touching, great. You can build on this in future sessions.

What to think about

One thing to stay away from is extreme pornographic imagery. It’s a slippery slope from thinking about porn scenes to actually watching porn. And you don’t want to undo all that hard work you’ve done.

You want to be very conscious that you are using imagery that is likely to actually “happen” in real life, with a real potential partner. That way, you’re preparing yourself for sex with that person.

Tools for the job

penchant lube

Lube

Get a good-quality water-based personal lubricant, and you’ll thank yourself. If you’re only going to use the lubricant for masturbation, you can go with an oil-based lube, or use something like coconut oil (which gets rave reviews AND will moisturize your skin). Oils won’t dry up, but keep in mind they can’t be used during sex with a condom (remember: oil lube plus latex condoms equals babies).

There are some amazing, long-lasting water-based lubricants out there that won’t break the bank.

The Fleshlight

fleshlight

If you’re looking for a “realistic” sexual experience, look no further.

There’s a reason they’ve sold millions of units: because they feel AMAZING – very much like a real vagina. The even have a stamina training unit, that I highly recommend.

Cautions and Tips

-Don’t use too much pressure when using your hands. Again, you want to simulate actual sex and touching with a partner as close as possible.

-While some guys will be able to introduce masturbation without porn, some guys will find that masturbation leads too easily back to destructive porn habits. If you think this might be you, maybe you should reconsider this process and train yourself back to arousal from touch with your next partner instead. There is no shame in realizing you can’t take this route.

Do you have any questions about masturbation? Share them below and we’ll get back to you soon!

About Brian

Brian overcame a long-standing addiction to Internet porn and fully recovered from serious porn-induced erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety. For more about Brian, see my story.

Comments

  1. Great post. Thank you. I think it’s really important that us men get in touch with our bodies, and are able to experience sex in a anxiety-free way, where we enjoy the whole experience of being with a woman.

  2. Solomon أخ يليمان says:

    Hey there. I was an addict to
    mast****tion since the age of 9 or 10 not now I’m 19. I left gap between the age of 16 to 18 n I started it again. I’m scared it will have no effect on my body. I want to become really agile n workout for doing parkour in the future.

    I think there is no need for masturbation in life n I want to re-juvinate my body when I hit 40 (if I do live till there).

    Please tell me something that will encourage me to quit it. I’m not addicted but I want to make sure I don’t masturbate

  3. So im not too old , im 15 , i kinda started masturbating only on my ‘mates’ pressure , because they kept talking about and pornography and i feel it is kinda sliping away from me because im masturbating atleast twice a day and i think it is too much so should i try to stop masturbating untill i can get my penis fully erectile without watching porn ? And after that how often should i masturbate like , daily wont be right , but once a week or how?

    • Love Me Do says:

      In my opinion, you can take yourself in hand as often as you need, there really is no limit as long as you are safe and won’t get caught. Jacking off is an option to reduce stress when having sex with someone you care about is not possible. Raw sex is never an option, it just removes the relationship from the act and makes it cheap, you might as well be screwing a pocket pussy.
      I have been stroking my rod several times a day for many years and still have unbelievable orgasms when I get real sex. I do like the term”making love” because I can feel the heartbeat and share my whole heart with the woman I am being intimate with. I don’t have to marry her to share love with her.

  4. John Pierre says:

    Big Thanks! To u! And my Greetings to u! 🙂 God and Jesus Christ bless u FOREVER! 🙂

  5. Too many people here seem to literally be trying to quit masturbation or porn completely. Sorry to burst your bubble but that is just not gonna happen. You can’t stop masturbating, and quitting porn is always temporary.

    What I do is follow a once every four rule. I jerk off three times and then I watch porn the fourth time. This really helps because porn becomes a treat rather than something you’re dependent on.

  6. JAke solom says:

    A lot of kids say that they started masturbating when they were 12 however I only started when I was 14. I’m trying to stay away from porn so I don’t have unrealistic expectations for when I’m going to have sex. About that- what age do you think a person should start to have sex? Thanks

    • Random guy says:

      It all depends at where you live. Human gets mature(sexually, so they can get a child) at the age of 14, which is also age limit to sex at here where I live. So yeah, it all depends on where you live. The age limit ranges from 14-18 years to have sex legally. Mastrubation is allowed at any age. But I’d suggest age of 16 or around that, depending on your state law.

    • plz help me i have bing masturbating since age 15. then my penis was traight up ward but now am 19yr but my penis bent to the left hand side plz help me

      • Simply use your other hand until it gets straight again, and then learn how to switch hands back and forth to keep it straight. I am ambidextrous and can switch without missing a stroke. I also work on keeping the head pointing up so it naturally hits the”G spot” for when I do get the rare chance of having it slide into a real woman.
        Good luck on getting it straight again.

  7. Thanx, i started porn stimulated masturbation and wld get fast erections . The problem is i cnt forget the porn scenes even though i quite porn watching . I get erections when i thnk of them. Are my erections the same as those who watch porn?

  8. Well, I have a question. How can I properly masturbate, because my penis was all inflamated from it the last time. Help

    • A person says:

      I want to know the same thing Peter.

    • why Stop Now says:

      Abstain until it is healthy again. Sounds simple for me to say, however, you will never have any fulfillment until you do. I am speaking from experience.
      Then, use oils or lotion next time to avoid the pain of hurting yourself.

  9. When I try to slow down my pace. It suddenly jacks off.

  10. i masturbates once in a day maximum 2 with porn videos . i have started this from 7 years ago. now i am 21 years old and what i do …i am facing short time problem on bed…what i do for long lasting performance .

  11. I don’t get morning erection and do not get aroused by just looking at any girl who I think looks attractive. I want to stop watching porn. It is suggested here that I should abstain from masturbation. I am 29, I have not had sex yet and may be won’t be having it for next 1-2 years. So,stopping masturbation will be very difficult for me as I would want to relax and ooze out my frustrations some times. Is there a middle path to take so that I start getting aroused normally without cracking down and going back to watching porn.

  12. please answer my question. i started watching porn at 13 maybe and after getting porn induced ed, started pmo and i hadn’t masturbated or watched porn for 2 months. then i started masturbating and never watched porn since then and i hust turned 16 now. it has been a year now and i am free from porn addiction but problem is that sometimes i get really hard but sometimes erections are very weak, libido is dead and erections are smaller,weaker, flexible,short living and less in girth. why is this happening as i don’t watch porn anymore and masturbate only once in five days? i am worried plz help. btw great post. thumbs up.

    • A person says:

      You need to stay strong talk to doctor if you are concerned. I know what may seem awkward it’s probably your best option. Don’t talk about porn though. By the way congratulations on being porn free

  13. Concerned TEEN says:

    I musturbate about 5-7 times a day without porn is that safe?

  14. I am young. I don’t want to become like my father (a porn watching freak). This article is something they should teach in school. Peers seem to pressure each other into masterbating, I remember hearing a few peers be like “DUDE, you have to watch this hardcore gangbang” it was like they where bonding over porn! It’s just things are getting weird at this point in time.

  15. A person says:

    Whenever I “jerk off” I don’t feel any overwhelming sesation is there something wrong with me?

  16. Perpetuallydisappointed says:

    Ok so I’m in a dead marriage and I don’t want to risk cheating… or rather, I don’t want to risk getting caught cheating. I’m terribly sexually frustrated all the time to the point that I have difficulty being patient with people.

    My problem is that I always feel like a moron when I try to jerk off. I judge myself. Even during sex, I often think “ack. Don’t make that noise, you sound like a moron!” Or “do you have any idea how stupid your face probably looks right now? Ugh. Nobody wants to have sex with someone who makes funny faces” or any other self deprecating internal judgement. When I try to get myself hard, a voice in my head goes “you fuckin’ loser. You can’t get laid so you’re attempting to masturbate? You’re so desperate it’s pathetic” and I feel all self conscious because I’m judging and sneering at myself.

    I’ve busted one nut in one year and I’m pretty much at the end of my rope. I’m 37, I’m not getting any younger, and I’m afraid that I’m going to lose the ability to even get a hard on if I don’t do something healthy for myself, like get laid. Or a blowjob or whatever.

    So. My question may sound insane, but I’m already there, so who cares. Do I: 1. Take an open invite from a very attractive coworker and risk having to pay child support for the rest of my life because I wanted my mental and sexual health to not deteriorate? Or do I 2. play it safe and remove the desire altogether? I’ve read about simple self-performed castration techniques involving a self administered anesthetic in the scrotum to remove the testicles through a small 3/8″ incision. Apparently, removing the testicles drastically reduces the desire to be sexually satisfied.

    I have the anesthetic and a sterile scalpel – I’ve been considering this for quite some time. I’m too old to go looking for something to make me long-term happy in life…. so do I take temporary happiness at a high risk, or do I shed myself of the need entirely?

    • Okay so Ik I posted under this (I meant to respond instead) but I’ll just repeat what I said

      ———————————–

      Okay so I know I don’t completely know of your situation (plus I’m not a guy) but I would not castrate yourself. It could potentially put you in a dangerous situation, and you wouldn’t be able to go back on that decision once it’s done. I wouldn’t necessarily cheat quite yet either. Talk to the person you’re married with and tell them your thoughts. If you guys are struggling to maintain a healthy relationship together, there are things you guys can do to either A, end the relationship B, fix the relationship or C, find a compromise that would work for both of your needs. I wouldn’t make any risky or permanent decisions/changes over something like this. You could also consider seeing a therapist about this, they’ll likely be able to give you helpful advice for what’s causing you stress around masturbating and/or what you can do to improve your situation at home. I hope you’re able to find the right solution for all this

      • Lifetime loser says:

        I agree with you Josie, as I did this to myself several years ago and am still dealing with the irreversible physical, emotional, and relationship hardships that I caused to myself. I was divorced, now living alone, too old for any woman to want, and practically unable to get erections, masturbate, and ejaculate and worse of all, I dearly miss every bit of it All. My kids avoid me like a plaque, I practically have nothing left to live for… because of one stupid decision. My advice: Get Professional Help to keep your marriage, and your nuts intact. My brain remembers what it was like to cum, now after three hours of stroking a soft dick, all I get are sores and disappoint. Plus the embarrassment of having anyone finding out that I am a real nutless wonder. Bottom line: DON’T DO IT! There is a better way.

  17. Okay so I know I don’t completely know of your situation (plus I’m not a guy) but I would not castrate yourself. It could potentially put you in a dangerous situation, and you wouldn’t be able to go back on that decision once it’s done. I wouldn’t necessarily cheat quite yet either. Talk to the person you’re married with and tell them your thoughts. If you guys are struggling to maintain a healthy relationship together, there are things you guys can do to either A, end the relationship B, fix the relationship or C, find a compromise that would work for both of your needs. I wouldn’t make any risky or permanent decisions/changes over something like this. You could also consider seeing a therapist about this, they’ll likely be able to give you helpful advice for what’s causing you stress around masturbating and/or what you can do to improve your situation at home. I hope you’re able to find the right solution for all this

  18. What should I do so that my sperms go far…??? If you can understand what I am trying to say..

    • going the distance says:

      Do you mean by distance, say from the toilet seat and shooting it to the far wall of the shower or shooting it in deep enough to impregnate a woman? I think it’s the latter, so here goes. What worked for me on the first attempt was I was on the bottom and she was holding her bottom in the air while I raised my engorged penis up deep inside of her until I cummed, and continued to pump it inside of her. She stayed in this position and I stayed inside of her for about five to seven minutes before I pulled out. She stayed on her knees for quite a while until she felt like enough cum had filled her uterus. I don’t know what the other guy’s did to knock her up a few years later… whatever it was, it worked. I think it was just a very strong desire to bust a nut inside somebody else’s wife’s pussy… Whatever…

  19. Emmy blink jr says:

    what should i do for my sperm to be plenty enough, because i masturbate twice a day please help thanks

    • I need help with my masterbation because I don’t know how to have a orgasm. I’m a 14 male can you help me

    • Self Pleasure says:

      When you masturbate the first time, don’t allow yourself to cum, pinch just under the head of your dick. Then when you do it again later, you will have more juices to squirt. You can build up a lot of sperm this way. It’s like cocking your gun but don’t let it shoot. Load it up really good and save it for the next time. Then when you let it fly, it’s so satisfying, like you wouldn’t believe!

  20. Hey I’m 14 male i masterbate every day i don’t know how to have a orgasm can you help me

    • Self Pleasure says:

      Concentrated on what you are doing, how hard your penis is, tense up your abdomen and imagin your cum shooting out of the end of your pulsating penis until you get a special tingling in your genitals and you can feel your penis get hard enough to burst, then you’ll feel your sperm fly out and you can feel where the hot cream lands on you. That’s all there is to it… not to hard.
      .

  21. I masterbate my penis every day but I don’t know how to have a orgasm can someone help me. tell me how I can orgasm

    • Self Pleasure says:

      First of all, it’s “An Orgasm”! Secondly, just imagine your penis sliding in and out of a vagina as you move your pelvis in the motions of having sex, slow and steady. It should come to you easily from there.
      Finally, look at yourself, enjoy touching your tender areas softly like you would to the lady you would be holding. Try some lotion or oil on your nipples, they are just as arrousing to men as they are to girls. you’d be surprised at how firm and thick your erection will be when doing this right.
      All men have different ideas and methods of doing it, this is something that works for me, basing it on actual experiences with the opposite sex. If you base it on porn, you will be disappointed every time.
      I hope that this helps you.
      😉

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