Recap from Part 1
In Part 1 of How To Masturbate Correctly, we looked at why the widespread availability of high-speed internet porn has been creating problems for young men. Namely, why the way most of us masturbate with porn leads to unrealistic expectations, negative self-talk and performance anxiety. In other words, why the way you’re likely doing it can be bad for your erections and performance during REAL sex.
Now, I know there’s plenty of guys out there who have no problems surrounding masturbation and sex. But if you’re reading this blog or searching for “how to masturbate correctly”, chances are you are experiencing some sort of problem.
So now that we’ve looked at what’s wrong with the way most of us masturbate and the associated problems, let’s look at what we can do to fix this.
First: Reboot Your Brain
**If you don’t have any problems with porn, you can skip down to here
If you are struggling with porn-induced ED or porn addiction, you first need to take time off from porn AND masturbation to start the healing process.
You will need to “reboot” your system.
You may have heard the term “reboot” used with abstaining from porn before. In the last few years, there has been a growing community of men (young and old) who experienced erectile dysfunction from their porn use.
A reboot means abstaining from porn, masturbation and orgasm (also known as PMO) for a given period of time.
During this period (from a few weeks to a few months) your brain has a chance to re-condition itself to more natural sexual experiences.
You might be asking…
Why not just quit porn? Do I need to abstain from masturbation too?
In my experience, and that of many other guys, abstaining from both porn AND masturbation for a period of time is the best way to get the body’s natural sexuality to return to before (morning wood, erections from non-porn stimulus).
How long will do I have to wait?
This really depends on the individual. Some guys (especially those who grew up without porn and became heavy users later) may find that their natural libido comes back within a few weeks. Other guys, who were heavy users for longer, may find that it takes up to 6 months to a year for their libido to return. For more info, read How long will my reboot take?
When you’re at the point that your libido seems to be coming back, then is the time to carefully reintroduce masturbation.
It won’t be easy to quit porn, but there are strategies that can help. Here is some further reading if you’re thinking about rebooting because of porn-induced ED.
The Missing Piece to Recovery: Correct Masturbation
I think it’s fair to say that 99.9% of guys are not ‘taught’ how to masturbate. It’s something we just kind of figure out on our own.
This usually works out fine, but there are some variations of self-taught masturbation — speed, intensity, technique, etc. — that can cause real problems when it comes time for real sex.
Let’s look at some helpful suggestions for how to masturbate.
Create a SAFE Place – Physically and Mentally
A Relaxed, No Time-Pressure Environment
First off, you want to be RELAXED and TAKE YOUR TIME.
Because you want to avoid two of the most common male sexual dysfunctions: Performance Anxiety and Premature Ejaculation.
These two dysfunctions are trained into your body with the way you masturbate.
If you’re worried you’re going to get caught by someone (a parent, a roommate, etc) while ‘jacking off’, you’re going to rush through the process and inadvertently train your body to ejaculate quickly.
And if you’re usually tense while masturbating, you also might be connecting your sexual arousal with feeling tense and stressed, which some argue can contribute to performance anxiety.
By creating a safe, relaxed atmosphere and emphasizing taking your time, you can re-train your body to work differently, which will carry over to when you have sex.
So, how do you create a relaxed environment?
For starters, make sure no one will disturb you:
-lock your door
-turn off your phone
-make sure no one will drop in unexpectedly by setting expectations (for example, if you live with a roommate, say you’re taking a nap and are not to be disturbed for any reason)
You might also try setting the mood:
-light some candles
-take a hot bath
-listen to relaxing music that will help turn off the thinking part of your brain
The above suggestions may not sound too “manly”, but I assure you aren’t just for women.
Men are notoriously bad at holding onto stress until we snap. So in addition to the sexual benefits, you get the added benefit of decreasing your general stress level.
If you’re experiencing performance anxiety during sex, you should consider training your body to be relaxed in sexual situations. How exactly do you do that?
I’ve written a few articles on this topic that might help:
Take it SLOW
During puberty, many guys learn to masturbate quickly to avoid getting caught in an embarrassing situation. Years of masturbating quickly can have consequences on how long you’ll last with a real partner – which is why some guys experience premature ejaculation.
Start by SLOWING down the pace.
Most women need between 10 and 20 minutes of penetration (in addition to foreplay and direct clitoral stimulation of course) to orgasm, so you should try to extend your masturbation sessions to AT LEAST match that.
If you’re currently a minute man, work to extend your stamina over the space of a few weeks. Don’t be mad at yourself if you
Regular Kegel exercises can help with your staying power, and have been shown to improve erections over 6 months in different studies.
If you’re already at the point where you can comfortably go for a 10-20 minutes, you might try focusing more on relaxation (see the section above)
Simulate The Feeling Of Real Sex
When many guys have sex for the first time, they realize that foreplay and real sex are so different from the way they masturbate that their bodies don’t react they way they want: with an erection!
Ideally, you want your masturbation to simulate the act of sex as closely as possible. That means no “death grip” around your penis, but gentle touching with lotion, oil or lube.
Focus on SENSATIONS
The problem with the way most of us masturbate is that it focuses primarily on only ONE sense: visual.
We have inadvertently trained our brains to respond sexually only to visual stimulus through magazines and videos.
Ideally you want to rewire your brain to respond to a mix of different stimuli, just like with real sex: physical touch, smell, sound, and visual (by way of our imagination).
This will take some time, and you might find that because your body is so conditioned to react only to pornography, that at first you don’t have any physical reaction to just touching.
Also, while you might think that your only erogenous zone is your penis (and testicles), you might be surprised to find out that you enjoy touching other areas (stomach, inside of your thighs, etc). It’s up to you to find out where and what you enjoy.
Focus on those neglected senses — touch, smell, hearing… These have all been relegated to the background because of the intense visual/voyeuristic nature of the way we masturbate with pornography.
As I mentioned above, some things will appeal to your other senses: light a scented candle (cheesy, yes – but underrated!) or incense; do some yoga or breathing exercises beforehand; and put on some sensual music.
Don’t be hard on yourself
If it’s been a while since you masturbated, or it’s the first time masturbating without pornography, you shouldn’t have high expectations.
In fact, you shouldn’t have ANY expectations of climaxing, or even getting an erection.
Remember: there is nobody watching or judging you and you are in a safe place.
The goal of the session should be to start getting your body used to your touch. Just lay back, enjoy and see where it takes you.
If you get an erection with just touching, great. You can build on this in future sessions.
What to think about
One thing to stay away from is extreme pornographic imagery. It’s a slippery slope from thinking about porn scenes to actually watching porn. And you don’t want to undo all that hard work you’ve done.
You want to be very conscious that you are using imagery that is likely to actually “happen” in real life, with a real potential partner. That way, you’re preparing yourself for sex with that person.
Tools for the job
Get a good-quality water-based personal lubricant, and you’ll thank yourself. If you’re only going to use the lubricant for masturbation, you can go with an oil-based lube, or use something like coconut oil (which gets rave reviews AND will moisturize your skin). Oils won’t dry up, but keep in mind they can’t be used during sex with a condom (remember: oil lube plus latex condoms equals babies).
There are some amazing, long-lasting water-based lubricants out there that won’t break the bank.
If you’re looking for a “realistic” sexual experience, look no further.
There’s a reason they’ve sold millions of units: because they feel AMAZING – very much like a real vagina. The even have a stamina training unit, that I highly recommend.
Cautions and Tips
-Don’t use too much pressure when using your hands. Again, you want to simulate actual sex and touching with a partner as close as possible.
-While some guys will be able to introduce masturbation without porn, some guys will find that masturbation leads too easily back to destructive porn habits. If you think this might be you, maybe you should reconsider this process and train yourself back to arousal from touch with your next partner instead. There is no shame in realizing you can’t take this route.