How To Overcome Performance Anxiety In Bed (Plus: A Woman’s Perspective)

Performance Anxiety In Bed

You may be a pretty confident man over-all. There’s nothing wrong with your techniques and delivery, and you’ve been with girls who’ve gushed about your sexual prowess.For some reason though, things are just not going your way, and when I say your way, I mean, things are just not looking up for you, in the least bit.

Living with performance anxiety is not easy.

It’s something that can tear away at your confidence little by little, making it harder to face sexual activities each and every time. Most importantly, it can put a lot of strain on otherwise happy and fulfilled relationships.

The first thing to know is that it’s actually pretty common. No, you’re not broken and yes, you can overcome this terrible development.

ED (erectile dysfunction), PE (premature ejaculation), and DE (delayed ejaculation) are all common sexual anxiety related issues and often have psychological origins.

It’s always a good idea to check out your lifestyle too, though, as this could be a factor in your performance anxiety. Things like stress, lack of exercise, body weight and even a bad diet can make a huge difference and add or detract from your sexual performance. However, far and above the rest, it seems that sexual performance anxiety stems pretty much directly from a concern related to sexual intimacy.

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5 More Books To Help You Quit Porn And Make You A Better Man


A while back I wrote a post called 5 Books That Will Supercharge Your Reboot and Make You a Better Man, which received a ton of great feedback.

Many of you read the books and reported some real, positive changes:

“Understanding the habit loop really helped me to remove destructive routines from my life.”  –John

“I created my own Miracle Morning routine and I find I have so much more energy to fight my porn addiction.” – Anonymous

So I thought I’d add to the list MORE books that helped me get where I am today – completely recovered from porn-induced ED and performance anxiety.


“Reboot” Your Life

Is it really just porn that you’re struggling with?

For many of us, porn addiction is just a symptom of a deeper existential crisis. A lack of CONTROL in our lives.

A different way to look at this challenge is not just about overcoming your porn addiction, but as an OPPORTUNITY to make big, lasting changes in your life.

Getting fit, finding new hobbies, becoming more social, finding a lifelong partner…  These are some of the great things that can happen – IF you get serious and work on improving yourself.

The books listed below are the best place I know to start.


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The 3 Brutally Honest Reasons Why You’re Still Addicted to Porn


Have you been struggling with porn addiction for more than a year?

I want to tell you EXACTLY why you’re failing, so you can pick yourself up and overcome this.

What I say below might sound harsh at times, but it needs to be.

This is a wakeup call, and wakeup calls are not meant to be ‘nice’.

So without further ado…


The Truth About Why You’re Still Addicted To Porn

1. Responsibility.

My inbox is filled with mails from hundreds of guys who desperately want to get over their addiction.

Their reasons are many and varied:

They want to overcome porn induced ED or performance anxiety.

They want to have real-life relationships.

They want to stop wasting their life away in front of a computer screen…

Among many other great reasons.

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Lessons from Rock Bottom: Case Studies and Inspiration to Rise Above Porn Addiction


This is a post by friend and blogger Max Cato from


So Why Are People Quitting Porn?

The popularity of quitting porn has exploded all over the Internet. As of this posting, Reddit/r/NoFap has over 146K+ members, Reddit/r/pornfree has over 20K readers, I have over 400 followers on Google+, and the number of blogs and websites on the topic continues to grow and grow.

However there’s still much resistance regarding this idea as a large porn audience is wondering why anyone in their right mind would stop watching, but when you look a little closer the answers start to become increasingly obvious as to why people are choosing to speak out and express not only the truly negative impact that habitual porn watching has had on their lives but, even better, the overwhelmingly positive results they have experienced after quitting.

Perhaps porn isn’t negatively affecting everyone especially when viewing the audience that enjoys it, as they can be very outspoken about saying so. However, people are popping up all over the Internet feeling depressed, desperate, and afraid they’ll never be able to have real sex again (think porn-induced ED), or afraid they’ll lose important friends or family, especially love interests, because of their problem.

Does that mean something is wrong with you if you’re struggling while others are not? Of course not. This is just like alcohol use, as there are casual drinkers, drunks in denial, or addicts that will never touch another drop, and everything in between. Everyone is not the same and that is perfectly OK and should be expected.

Furthermore, even the proponents of porn are subject to its effects, whether they perceive it as problematic or not. Porn promotes a voyeuristic mindset, increased objectification of women, emotional detachment, and aggressive sexual tendencies. (For more on this check out this post)

What we really need to focus on is the people in the trenches because they are the ones really struggling. The effects of repeatedly failing every time they try to quit porn often does psychological damage and leaves people feeling broken and alone.

Before we get in to that discussion, let’s clarify one point.

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Sexual Performance Anxiety: The Complete Guide With 15 Actionable Tips

performance anxiety with a new partner

Performance Anxiety

Most guys will experience a period of ED from performance anxiety in their lives.

For some guys, it will be a short phase, maybe it happens a few times and then as he gets his confidence back, and for others it can be a crippling cycle of shame, worry and completely avoiding sex.

A study in 2003 found that about one third of men experienced erectile dysfunction at least once a year.  It can feel like you’re alone in going through this because it’s not talked about, but rest assured that other guys have overcome it and so can you.

Simon’s story

Meet Simon. He’s a pretty average guy. A third year college student, relatively sporty and plays guitar in his free time. Up till now, Simon has had two serious girlfriends and a handful of one-night stands.

One night at the campus bar, Simon meets Amanda. She’s very beautiful – in fact, way out of his league, he thinks. But somehow he says the right things at the right things at the right time. And it turns out they have a lot of the same friends in common.

They toss flirty comments back and forth. She’s actually into me – I might have a chance!  Don’t screw it up!

After talking for an hour at a table in the corner of the bar, Amanda says, “I’m tired. Could you walk me home?”   It’s so on, thinks Simon. The two walk out arm in arm and walk back to her place, where it turns out, she’s not so tired.

But as they start kissing and undressing, thoughts start to creep into the back of his head. This girl is so hot. She’s way to good for me. What if I’m not as good in bed as what she’s used to?  What if she thinks my penis is small?  She knows some of my friends – what if she tells them about how I am in bed?

Amanda pulls off his pants and puts her hand on his boxers. Simon’s penis is completely limp.  She looks up at him. “What’s wrong?”

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This Secret Will Help You Quit PMO For Good

Quit Porn

So you’ve read and implemented my advice about finding a replacement habit and using that to reprogram your habit cycle.  And it works, some of the time.  But it’s not foolproof, and it’s not easy.

I’ve been studying and experimenting with habit change for some time now. I know what works well and what doesn’t.

If you’re a human being and not a robot, you probably find it incredibly difficult to do your replacement habit on a consistent basis when you’re first starting off.   Well, from my own recent experiments and reading on habit change, I think I’ve figured out how to make it easier on you to solidify your replacement habit.

Until a few months ago, I’ve been focusing on the intrinsic rewards of the replacement habit.  For example, lets say that the reward you get from PMO (porn-masturbation-orgasm) is physical excitement. So you decide to make push-ups your replacement habit, because it gives you a physical reward (endorphins, dopamine), thus completing the habit loop.

But then sometimes things don’t go smoothly and as you planned. You find that you don’t feel all that motivated to do push-ups each time you get a craving to PMO.  What do you do then?

The Old Way: Brute Willpower

What I used to do in this situation was to just use “brute willpower” to make myself do the push-ups.  I would just basically yell at myself internally until I finally did it.  And the physical craving would be satisfied.  But this takes a huge amount of willpower, and some of us just starting out with improving ourselves don’t have access to enough of it to constantly deal with the cravings.  And as Kelly McGonigal points out in the great book, The Willpower Instinct , willpower is a finite resource within us. So once you’ve exhausted that resource, it’s like your defenses are down.

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5 Books That Will Supercharge Your Reboot and Make You a Better Man


I have a secret to share with you:

I am a hard case when it comes to habit change. It is a real struggle for me to make positives stick changes in my life.

There, I admitted it.

But because I am naturally such a hard case, it led me on a quest to find the best techniques for making changes in my life.

The Fighter

Here’s an analogy. In MMA (mixed martial arts), you might have a really strong fighter with so-so technique. Sure, he’s gonna win a certain amount of fights just because he’s damn strong.

Then you’ve got the fighter who has a small frame and isn’t naturally very strong. That’s me. But because he isn’t naturally big or strong, he learns the best techniques from the best teachers. Continue Reading

The Secret Weapon in your Rebooting Arsenal: Meditation

Man Meditating on a Rock at the Beach

Okay, I suspect that some of you will dismiss this article just from reading the title. Meditation? Really? How is Meditation going to help me with quitting porn and rewiring my brain for real sex?

Glad you asked.

New research shows that regular meditation practice helps people quit smoking, lose weight, kick a drug habit, and stay sober.

-Kelly McGonigal, The Willpower Instinct

Meditation is a very powerful tool you can use to train your brain and increase your willpower (willpower that you can use to resist the temptation of porn). It lowers stress levels, teaches you how to handle negative inner dialogue (anxiety, worry, cravings), and deal with external temptations (images, sounds, smells).

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3 Reasons Why My First 3 Reboot Attempts Failed


I’m often asked in emails from readers how I was successful in rebooting. This is a great question to ask – learning from others who have gone before you is an excellent strategy. I’ve addressed some of the strategies that helped me out in a previous post.

But what is equally important is why my first three attempts at rebooting failed.

That’s right: my first three attempts at rebooting ended in relapses – the first two of which had me binging on more porn in a day than I would have normally watched in a week.

I think these causes of relapse are common reasons guys fail in their reboots, so listen up and learn from these.

3 Reasons Why My First 3 Reboot Attempts Failed

1. I was using willpower alone.

This is one of the BIGGEST reasons why I failed. The first two times, I didn’t replace the PMO habit, I simply quit cold turkey. While relying on willpower alone worked for me for a while (my first two reboots were 18 and 50 days respectively), it was draining and eventually I would just cave in.

As human beings, we have a limited amount of willpower from which we can draw upon daily. Once you use that up, you’re up a creek without a paddle. And yes, in the long term it’s possible to increase your willpower through practice and habit building (for example going to the gym or meditating), but it takes time and focused energy.

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The World’s Quickest Porn Addiction Advice Column

stop watch

I was recently inspired by a post called “The World’s Quickest Advice Column” on Nerd Fitness (probably THE best blog for getting fit), and thought I’d give a shot at writing my own “Quickest Advice Column.”   😉

Here we go!

How can I quit porn?   Find a replacement habit. Do that every time you feel an urge to watch porn. Work on making your life better by joining classes and pursuing what you love. Rinse, repeat.

How do I block porn on my laptop/iphone? Install this: (PC) (Mac) (Android) (Iphone). Have a friend create the password with instructions that it will cost you $300 to get it back.

But I really have the urge right to use porn now! Do 30 push ups.  Sprint down the road and back. Talk to me then.

Do I have to delete or get rid of ALL of my porn? Maybe I should just put it in a box and hide it.  If you were an alcoholic, would you keep a case of scotch in the house “just in case?”Continue Reading