What I Learned Going 230 Days Without Porn

lessons-learned

**This is a guest post from a reader named Dylan, who went 230 days without porn. — Brian

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Let me be real with you: doing things we don’t want to do sucks. And doing things that are painful…that’s even worse. So, why bother?

It would be very easy to shower you with platitudes and clichés, which I have grown accustomed to receiving myself, but that demeans the severity of our situation: we want change or, at the very least, we think we want change (and that’s still a step in the right direction). Addiction is all about comfort. It’s temporary pain-relief that places us in long-term debt. Before we know it, we’re in deep.Continue Reading

5 More Books To Help You Quit Porn And Make You A Better Man

Man-Reading

A while back I wrote a post called 5 Books That Will Supercharge Your Reboot and Make You a Better Man, which received a ton of great feedback.

Many of you read the books and reported some real, positive changes:

“Understanding the habit loop really helped me to remove destructive routines from my life.”  –John

“I created my own Miracle Morning routine and I find I have so much more energy to fight my porn addiction.” – Anonymous

So I thought I’d add to the list MORE books that helped me get where I am today – completely recovered from porn-induced ED and performance anxiety.

 

“Reboot” Your Life

Is it really just porn that you’re struggling with?

For many of us, porn addiction is just a symptom of a deeper existential crisis. A lack of CONTROL in our lives.

A different way to look at this challenge is not just about overcoming your porn addiction, but as an OPPORTUNITY to make big, lasting changes in your life.

Getting fit, finding new hobbies, becoming more social, finding a lifelong partner…  These are some of the great things that can happen – IF you get serious and work on improving yourself.

The books listed below are the best place I know to start.

 

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The 3 Brutally Honest Reasons Why You’re Still Addicted to Porn

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Have you been struggling with porn addiction for more than a year?

I want to tell you EXACTLY why you’re failing, so you can pick yourself up and overcome this.

What I say below might sound harsh at times, but it needs to be.

This is a wakeup call, and wakeup calls are not meant to be ‘nice’.

So without further ado…

 

The Truth About Why You’re Still Addicted To Porn

1. Responsibility.

My inbox is filled with mails from hundreds of guys who desperately want to get over their addiction.

Their reasons are many and varied:

They want to overcome porn induced ED or performance anxiety.

They want to have real-life relationships.

They want to stop wasting their life away in front of a computer screen…

Among many other great reasons.

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“How long will my reboot take?”

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“I have Porn induced ED. How long will my reboot take?”

This is maybe the most common question I get in emails and blog comments. And I understand why:  you want to know what to expect.

While some guys with mild cases of porn-induced ED can reboot within 3-6 weeks of no PMO (no porn, masturbation, or orgasm), for others it can take up to 4 months. And in some extreme cases, it may take up to a year or more to fully recover.

 

So how long will your reboot take?

While it’s a complex question and impossible to give exact timelines, what we can do is look at factors that influence the length of time a reboot will take.

I will do my best at a thorough answer, based on:

1. My own personal experience.

2. Reading many, many (too many to count) reboot accounts on various internet forums, in emails I’ve received, and in online surveys I’ve conducted.

 

From these sources, I was able to boil it down to 8 important factors.  How long your reboot will take depends on:

 

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This Secret Will Help You Quit PMO For Good

Quit Porn

So you’ve read and implemented my advice about finding a replacement habit and using that to reprogram your habit cycle.  And it works, some of the time.  But it’s not foolproof, and it’s not easy.

I’ve been studying and experimenting with habit change for some time now. I know what works well and what doesn’t.

If you’re a human being and not a robot, you probably find it incredibly difficult to do your replacement habit on a consistent basis when you’re first starting off.   Well, from my own recent experiments and reading on habit change, I think I’ve figured out how to make it easier on you to solidify your replacement habit.

Until a few months ago, I’ve been focusing on the intrinsic rewards of the replacement habit.  For example, lets say that the reward you get from PMO (porn-masturbation-orgasm) is physical excitement. So you decide to make push-ups your replacement habit, because it gives you a physical reward (endorphins, dopamine), thus completing the habit loop.

But then sometimes things don’t go smoothly and as you planned. You find that you don’t feel all that motivated to do push-ups each time you get a craving to PMO.  What do you do then?

The Old Way: Brute Willpower

What I used to do in this situation was to just use “brute willpower” to make myself do the push-ups.  I would just basically yell at myself internally until I finally did it.  And the physical craving would be satisfied.  But this takes a huge amount of willpower, and some of us just starting out with improving ourselves don’t have access to enough of it to constantly deal with the cravings.  And as Kelly McGonigal points out in the great book, The Willpower Instinct , willpower is a finite resource within us. So once you’ve exhausted that resource, it’s like your defenses are down.

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5 Books That Will Supercharge Your Reboot and Make You a Better Man

Young-Man-Reading-a-Book1

I have a secret to share with you:

I am a hard case when it comes to habit change. It is a real struggle for me to make positives stick changes in my life.

There, I admitted it.

But because I am naturally such a hard case, it led me on a quest to find the best techniques for making changes in my life.

The Fighter

Here’s an analogy. In MMA (mixed martial arts), you might have a really strong fighter with so-so technique. Sure, he’s gonna win a certain amount of fights just because he’s damn strong.

Then you’ve got the fighter who has a small frame and isn’t naturally very strong. That’s me. But because he isn’t naturally big or strong, he learns the best techniques from the best teachers. Continue Reading

The Secret Weapon in your Rebooting Arsenal: Meditation

Man Meditating on a Rock at the Beach

Okay, I suspect that some of you will dismiss this article just from reading the title. Meditation? Really? How is Meditation going to help me with quitting porn and rewiring my brain for real sex?

Glad you asked.

New research shows that regular meditation practice helps people quit smoking, lose weight, kick a drug habit, and stay sober.

-Kelly McGonigal, The Willpower Instinct

Meditation is a very powerful tool you can use to train your brain and increase your willpower (willpower that you can use to resist the temptation of porn). It lowers stress levels, teaches you how to handle negative inner dialogue (anxiety, worry, cravings), and deal with external temptations (images, sounds, smells).

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Partner Of A Porn Addict? Some Advice

Partner of a Porn Addict

I recently received a mail from a woman (we’ll call her “Jennifer”) asking me for advice about her husband’s porn addiction.  I don’t normally answer personal emails asking for advice — I get too many of them to answer and also would prefer questions answered on the blog, where other people can learn – but I empathized with her situation and thought I’d help her out. Also, she said it was okay to post it on the blog.

Here is the email she sent. If you want just the questions and my answers scroll down or click here.

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Hi Brian,

I am writing with a question I am struggling with. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have a nice marriage. I actually “caught” him watching porn and masturbating while on our honeymoon. We had a lot of major conversations but he assured me this would stop and was not a problem. I have always suspected this might still be happening at times and recently discovered that is still visiting endless porn sites everyday. He knows he has a problem and says he is almost relieved for it to be out.

I do truly believe he wants to change. Although I am so angry at him I love him and believe he wants to stop this. The question is will he be able to? Can you please answer the following quick questions for me so I can plan my next step to regaining trust? I appreciate it.

1. In your opinion is it ok for him to continue to have sex with me? His addiction was limited to pornography and didn’t involve straying sexually. In some ways I feel he has to abstain to reboot, but at the same time in this vulnerable time it is a perfect opportunity for sincere deep intimacy in our rebuilding. I long for that.

2. Is it imperative to stop viewing porn cold turkey altogether. He says this is his strategy; I just want to make sure this doesn’t set him up for failure because it is too drastic. Do you recommend the cold turkey or the weaning approach?

3. How much should I ask him about his addiction? All trust has been broken and I feel to start to heal I need a firm grasp of what was going on. Or do I? It feels so intrusive to ask him down and dirty questions.

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Reboot Success Stories: Full Erections After 3 Months No PMO

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Hi guys.  Today, I received a great email from a reader that I want to share. James (not his real name) has been off PMO for 3 months and has seen some BIG improvements.

I love getting these kind of emails, because it inspires me to keep writing and working on ways to help more guys recover from porn addiction and porn-induced erectile dysfunction. I hope his email below inspires you guys to keep going with your reboot!

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Hey Brian,

I don’t know if you’ll use this, but I think you should. I’ve read your website and since staying off porn/masturbation/fantasy/orgasm….my sensitivity is returning! It’s amazing, I feel so much better in everything.

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