How To Direct Your Life Away From Porn

director

The following is a powerful guest post by Vincent from Andreian.com

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When we go to the movies, we’re watching something greater than the plot and cast at work. Beyond the lights and the camera, we’re sitting before the vision of one individual.

The Director.

The director has an idea. He has a vision, and needs to bring it into reality. He didn’t know he needed to make a movie, until something changed.

In a moment he knew without a doubt, he needed to create. He is taking an empty space, and changing it into something new. Where before there was no movie, now we have film.

New habits form the same way.

The director doesn’t do all the work. He sets the vision, and begins guiding those around him to see the same vision. He guides them towards his goal of change.

If you’re reading this blog, you may be struggling with addiction to porn or masturbation.

You may be curious why so many men are quitting pornography and masturbation.

You may have heard about inhuman benefits others have experienced after quitting porn. And, now you’re curious.

You may even find the notion that porn is a problem, a lie — and you want to argue within your own mind. That’s fine too.

You may be a man not thinking you have a problem, but you’ve always been curious if something else was better.

Regardless you’re here for a change.

A new direction.

A new scene in the movie that is your life.

Something in your life isn’t sitting right with you. The person who you are, isn’t aligning with the person you want to be, or who you want to become.

The audience, you, aren’t happy. What you wanted from life you aren’t getting. The happiness that should have occurred after college didn’t.

It feels like we’re living in the wrong movie. It feels like we’re not in control of our lives anymore.

When masturbation used to be about pleasure and stress reduction, has now turned on us. Turned on us like the worst betrayal in a crime movie.

We can no longer control our habit.

We need a change.

When we aren’t in control change is difficult. It feels impossible sometimes.

We forget our ultimate power. The saving grace that ties the entire plot together.

The power of choice.

You are the director of your own life.

You may not realize it yet, but you are the director of your own life.

Like the director of a Hollywood blockbuster, you are in total control of your life’s plot.

What direction do you want to go?

Who do you want to associate with?

What habits will the main character have?

You, being the main character of your own story. If porn doesn’t belong in your movie, remove it.

With choice you are free to become the person you’re destined to be.

All self-help books have one general theme: Make better choices.

The director is always in charge.

In the moment you’re considering looking at porn, stop.

Is this the best scene for your life?

Am I happy with this being in my life story?

What if my life is a movie playing on stage. Am I happy with what I’m doing, or full of shame?

Shame tells you your morals. Shame tells you you’re fighting against yourself, like a dog in a lethal game of chasing its tail.

Often we play as an actor, or an extra in our own lives. We let our impulses control us and direct us. Leaving us wondering why we did it after a relapse.

We sit back and watch our lives. We’re running on autopilot, androids doing the same every day.

The same mistakes.

The same life.

The same relapses.

When all we’re trying to become is the greatest version of ourselves.

Unhappiness is a loss of control.

When a relative passes away, we’re heartbroken, and lost.

When we lose our jobs, we have questions, and wish we could have done something different.

When we relapse from pornography, we hate ourselves because we aren’t in control.

These negative events are all related to a loss of control. Some are real, and some aren’t.

We feel like we can’t stop looking at porn. We feel like we can’t control it, and it makes us depressed.

We can control it.

We must direct our lives. We must exercise choice to refuse impulses, navigating ourselves to the proper scenes.

What do you picture in your ideal life? Take five minutes and think on it. What does your perfect life look like?

The pleasure of masturbation will never feel as good as freedom.

True freedom. An understanding that porn and impulses do not control you. Whatever has you trapped, tied, and bound.

We aren’t using the gift of choice. We aren’t conscious in our decision making. The director isn’t steering the plot towards successful conclusions.

We often let our impulses direct. Pushing us back to the position on stage, while we move in a manner that doesn’t sit right with us.

Have you felt your impulses controlling you?

Leading by impulse instead of by conscious choice is the addictive mind.

Why change what we’ve always done when what we’ve always done is so… comfortable?

Porn & Masturbation is watching the same movie on repeat.

You know there is more to life, other movies, yet you’re fine with this one in the player. It’s comfortable, and the unknown is a mystery.

Our unhappiness comes from our lack of control over pornography and masturbation.

It’s our own choices that hurt our recovery, and our happiness.

To change your relationship with pornography, realize porn has as much power over you as you let it.

Why do we let pornography direct our lives?

We aren’t ready to change.

It’s easier to be a man that looks a porn than a man that doesn’t. It’s easy to think this way when you don’t think you have any control over your life.

What movie have you enjoyed with an easy antagonist? Porn and masturbation is difficult to quit because it matters.

The hero in the movie isn’t taking the day off to go fishing. There isn’t any conflict, any action or challenge.

He goes off to slay the dragon. He’s the only one who can.

You’re the only one who can quit.

Often, we need to slow down. The faster we move, the harder it is to exercise choice. Choice to stop looking at porn, to stop masturbation, and to live the lives we want to live.

You will never slay your dragon if you run past the castle.

Changing The Scene

The best question you can ask yourself is: “How’s that working out for you?“.

The director needs to stay on script. If he goes off, the story stops making sense. it loses the magic becoming depressing, and boring. He needs to evaluate his picture over the course of its creation.

Is this the correct direction for the film?” He asks himself.

Is porn and masturbation the right direction for you?

You can choose to be a man that doesn’t look at porn or masturbate.

You can change the direction of your own movie. It’s your choice, your power as a human.

We hear that moderation is acceptable. Our impulses tell us this at the moment of a big breakthrough.

We go to our web browsers and say: ” Okay, this is the real last time. I’m only checking to see if everything still works. This isn’t for me, it’s for my health. It’s been awhile, it’s okay in moderation.”

Moderation is true in certain circumstances. But don’t be afraid to see certain ideas as being black & Grey.

If you’ve never jumped off a bridge before, and someone tells you to jump off one for “moderation”, will you do it?

Jumping off a bridge in moderation is not good for us.

Porn may be your bridge.

It doesn’t make sense for us to engage in practices that will cause harm to us in moderation.

Jumping off a bridge once, is bad in any dose.

Moderation is a spectrum not a law.

What is moderation for porn and masturbation? It could be once a week, a month, never again.

A man who has struggled with an alcohol demon doesn’t believe in moderation. He’s killed that demon, that scene is over with.

He has moved past that scene in his life. He doesn’t need to revisit.

The same for the man who decides porn and masturbation is over for him.

Create Your Script For Life

A movie’s script gives a theme. You need to stay on script, or the movie will fail.

It won’t progress.

The movie won’t perform at its best.

What’s your script? Have you created it yet?

What are your standards? your morals?

Are you a man who looks at porn, or not?

Creating rules for yourself is like creating a movie script. It doesn’t impede on your life, it frees you.

Creating your script gives you total freedom to operate within it. Now, you don’t have to question whether it’s right or wrong.

List your standards, what’s important to you, and stick to the script.

When an impulse comes, look at the script.

Does your life allow porn and masturbation? It’s a yes or no question, a choice, then you move on.

Your standards are your discipline. you need to write down your code & morals.

When you write down your code, you’ll always be able to check against it.

What Will Be your Life Story?

It can be whatever you want. You have the power of choice.

The director decides.

Make the choice to change your life today. Tomorrow is fantasy, a land of empty promises, and forgotten dreams.

You can beat porn and masturbation today by making the choice that it doesn’t belong in your life.

Take ownership and direct your life.

How to ACTUALLY Quit Porn:  5 Success Strategies To Give Up Porn and Change Your Life

how to ACTUALLY quit porn

So you’ve been trying to give up porn, and you’re realizing… Actually, this is pretty tough.  I’m with you. I went through the struggle.

So let me start by asking you a question:  

How long have you been trying to give up porn?

Take some time to think about your answer, and be honest with yourself.  Has it been more than a few months? A year?

Now I’m going to be honest with you:

If you’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to quit porn for over 6 months, you’re doing it wrong.

I know that’s tough to hear, but you need to hear it. You’re going to have to make some big changes in your life to get this taken care of.

 

How do you successfully give up porn for good?

So what sets people who are successful from those who aren’t?  What is it that you should be doing that you’re not?

Well, based on my own experience, and the experience of thousands of guys I’ve talked to on email, here are the 5 most important factors or quitting porn:

1. Replace the habit.

Because ‘quitting’ something difficult like porn or smoking isn’t actually about erasing the habit, but about replacing it. Once you understand this, and learn about the habit loop, you hold one of the main keys to your unwanted habit.  If the urge you’re satisfying is physical, your replacement habit should be physical. A good example (and one that many people have used successfully) is using push ups or a short exercise routine. In this case, every time you feel the urge to look at porn, stop that automatic impulse and exchange it for push ups. Read more about replacement habits, and decide what yours will be.

habit loop

2. Have a support group or accountability partner.  

This can an online or in-person group, or just one person that knows you and keeps you accountable.  My views on accountability are a bit extreme, in that I advocate it be 100% offline (we already have enough trouble online, don’t we?).  So find a friend that you can really trust, and keep each other accountable on your goals.  Another option is to find an accountability partner online, but to use email or SMS (not forums) to stay in touch. 

3. Become self-aware.

Learning to be aware of your triggers, your unhealthy patterns of thinking, and digging deeper to the underlying reasons of your addiction… these things are game-changer.  How can you become more self-aware? Start by writing a journal. Daily journalling is an inexpensive,  powerful way to self-awareness. Here’s further reading about how understanding your triggers can help you break through your addiction. 

4. Build Keystone Habits.

Keystone habits are habits that help you build other positive habits in your life. For example, exercise is a keystone habit.  This means that exercising daily can have a huge positive impact — not just on your waistline. People who exercise are much more likely to adopt (and stick to) other positive habits.  Other keystone habits include: making your bed every morning; having a morning or before-bed routine; meditating; and even having regular family dinners.

5. Make it easy on yourself.

Do you sleep in the same room as your laptop or smart phone?  Do you keep a stash of porn somewhere in your room or on a hidden hard drive?  Do you refuse to use porn blocking software  because you feel it’s embarrassing or inconvenient?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re sabotaging your success. What successful people do is make it easy on themselves by removing temptation (ie. buying an alarm clock so they don’t have to sleep next to their phone).

So if you’re really serious about beating this thing, it’s time to make some changes in your life. (Need extra motivation? Sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar, and get regular motivational emails directly in your inbox)

Bonus Secret Jedi Mind Trick: the Bet Switch Mechanism

Here’s a little-known, but super powerful way to associate pain with your addiction.   It’s a trick that ultimately helped me overcome my porn habit.  

A few years ago, after trying a few times to quit porn and relapsing, my accountability partner and I decided we needed to raise the stakes.  We agreed that every time we relapsed, we would have to pay $500 to a charity that we really disliked.  So instead of rationalizing ‘I’ll just watch porn this one last time’, it was ‘it’s going to cost me $500 to watch porn!’  Needless to say, it worked, and six months later we celebrated our achievement.  

You can read more about the bet-switch mechanism here. 

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Did I miss anything?  Have you tried any of these techniques?  Let us know in the comments 🙂

Porn and Porn Induced ED: One Woman’s Perspective

girl

I recently had a great conversation with a female friend of mine named Sarah, where I told her about this website and my problems with porn induced ED in the past. She was very open to talk about it, and after a long chat, suggested that she write an article about how she felt about the whole thing. She even went so far as to get a few of her girlfriends together to ask their opinions.

For her article, I asked Sarah to answer a few questions on the topic of porn and PIED, namely:

-Her reaction when we talked about PIED
-How she feels about porn
-What women think/feel when a guy can’t get it up
-The importance of communication about sex between partners
-Insights from a female perspective about healing

 

I’ll let Sarah take it away:

After meeting Brian a few weeks ago, I just couldn’t wait to get home and browse his site in order to get more information on PIED. I remember that as he was telling me about PIED, it struck a nerve and I knew that a number of my friends could and probably would benefit from the knowledge that was being shared with me at that moment.

Continue Reading

Covenant Eyes Review: The Best Internet Porn Filtering Software or Waste of Money?

Covenant Eyes Review

First Things First: Do I Even Need A Porn Website Blocker?

Over the past few years running this site, I’ve received thousands of emails and blog comments from guys who are still struggling with porn addiction, as well as hundreds who have managed to overcome it and completely turn around their life.

What’s the difference between the successful group and the struggling group?

The difference is in their mindset, strategy and planning.

And part of that planning for success includes choosing the right web filtering software. Web filtering, while not a CURE, is an essential TOOL in your quitting toolbox.

Having a good porn filter in place can mean the difference between a tough day at work turning into either a spontaneous healthy workout (see replacement habits LINK) or a marathon porn relapse.

Here I’ll review the pros and cons of one of the most popular internet porn filter/accountability software out there: Covenant Eyes.

(Note: This article only focuses on their personal computer software, not their apps for Android smartphones, iPhones, and iPads)Continue Reading

Porn-Induced ED is Gone and I Feel Like a New Person: An Interview With Noah BE Church

Noah BE Church speaking at a Mystery Box event

Why did you decide to quit porn? Was there something that triggered it?

I used porn from age 9. Unlike some other boys, nobody exposed me to it, nor was it an accident—I was a horny little kid and sought it out. My use really took off when I was 12 or 13 and got a computer with Internet access in my own room. I escalated quickly to some fairly heinous and socially unacceptable content by age 14. I talked to no one about this. For most of my teenage years, instead of taking risks and putting myself out there to form real connections with real women, I turned to the easy fix of porn and dreamed of the day when I would have real sex. When I was 18 that day came, the culmination of years of hope and expectation. And my dick simply did not work. I felt little to no physical arousal, despite finding my girlfriend at the time very attractive. No matter how many times we tried over the next few months, I was completely incapable of real sex, and I had no idea why.Continue Reading

More PIED and PMO Reboot Success Stories

Man-walks-the-road

“My 365 days of porn freedom” by PL

September 15, 2015 will be a year since I masturbated to porn (PMO). The journey was not easy and painful at some points; however the rewards gained through abstaining from porn are life changing.

History

I have been watching porn since I was age 12, I am currently age 32. My father gave me my first porn magazine at 13; however I did not start masturbating until age 14. Seriously age 14 is when I started PMO. I grow up with my grandmother being really religious and saying sex is a sin. The thing is I would watch porn at age 12-14 on the Playboy and Spice channel; my family had the box with all the channels.

Continue Reading

Reboot Success Story: “You Are A Human Being, Not An ‘Addict'”

“Commitment, Consistency and Method.”  In this reboot success story, Giuliano shares his thoughts on quitting porn. It’s a long, raw and challenging read, but I promise you if you stick with it there are plenty of ‘lightbulb moments’ that will change the way you think.

This story won 1st place in the 2015 Reboot Success Story Contest

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This is going to long. I warned you. And it’s also going to be uncomfortable, even painful and scary. Hope is scary. And one of the main reasons people struggle with addiction is because they are scared of what’s inside themselves.

Continue Reading

Reboot Success Story: Learning To Use The Self Properly

In this reboot success story, Dominic shares how the “three-headed Hydra of sugar, video-games and porn” slowly destroyed his life — and his subsequent journey to reclaim it.

This story won 2nd place in the 2015 Reboot Success Story Contest hosted by Reboot Blueprint.

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Game Addict

I have used porn since the very inception of my sexual awakening in adolescence. My birth-date is 1989, so the internet was really coming of age at around the time I started to get those first chronic erections that just won’t go away. What’s a shy and embarrassed 13-year-old attending a Victorian-era all-boys school to do in that situation? Shut myself away at the computer at every opportunity.
Continue Reading

Reboot Success Story: 51 Years Old When I Discovered NoFap

In this inspiring reboot success story, Fercho shares how he woke up to how serious his porn addiction was, and the strategies that helped him overcome it.  This story won 3rd place in the 2015 Reboot Success Story Contest hosted by Reboot Blueprint.

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fercho

I am 51 years old. I started having fantasies with boys from school when I was 11, I understand now that this was because I was bullied at school and was not “popular”: I was shorter, fatter, used glasses, and did not know how to play soccer (very important to be popular if you are a boy in Argentina). I started fapping fantasizing with these boys.

I changed completely when I was a teenager: I grew up, got a girlfriend and became very popular in my social environment. Nevertheless, I “kept” my secret gay fantasies inside my brain.

Continue Reading

How Do I Know When I’m Back To Normal? (Rebooting from Porn-Induced ED)

addiction computer

When you start your reboot, the two biggest questions you likely have are: “how long will my reboot take?” and “how will I know when I’m fixed?” The fact is that there is no rock-solid answer to this – at least not yet. That’s because each person’s experience is unique. Each person’s reboot starts off with a different set of goals and timeframes. For many who are suffering porn-induced ED, the “back to normal” goal will be when they can successfully have an erection WITHOUT the aid of porn and enjoy sex with a partner. For others, it may go even deeper.Continue Reading