How To Direct Your Life Away From Porn

director

The following is a powerful guest post by Vincent from Andreian.com

##

When we go to the movies, we’re watching something greater than the plot and cast at work. Beyond the lights and the camera, we’re sitting before the vision of one individual.

The Director.

The director has an idea. He has a vision, and needs to bring it into reality. He didn’t know he needed to make a movie, until something changed.

In a moment he knew without a doubt, he needed to create. He is taking an empty space, and changing it into something new. Where before there was no movie, now we have film.

New habits form the same way.

The director doesn’t do all the work. He sets the vision, and begins guiding those around him to see the same vision. He guides them towards his goal of change.

If you’re reading this blog, you may be struggling with addiction to porn or masturbation.

You may be curious why so many men are quitting pornography and masturbation.

You may have heard about inhuman benefits others have experienced after quitting porn. And, now you’re curious.

You may even find the notion that porn is a problem, a lie — and you want to argue within your own mind. That’s fine too.

You may be a man not thinking you have a problem, but you’ve always been curious if something else was better.

Regardless you’re here for a change.

A new direction.

A new scene in the movie that is your life.

Something in your life isn’t sitting right with you. The person who you are, isn’t aligning with the person you want to be, or who you want to become.

The audience, you, aren’t happy. What you wanted from life you aren’t getting. The happiness that should have occurred after college didn’t.

It feels like we’re living in the wrong movie. It feels like we’re not in control of our lives anymore.

When masturbation used to be about pleasure and stress reduction, has now turned on us. Turned on us like the worst betrayal in a crime movie.

We can no longer control our habit.

We need a change.

When we aren’t in control change is difficult. It feels impossible sometimes.

We forget our ultimate power. The saving grace that ties the entire plot together.

The power of choice.

You are the director of your own life.

You may not realize it yet, but you are the director of your own life.

Like the director of a Hollywood blockbuster, you are in total control of your life’s plot.

What direction do you want to go?

Who do you want to associate with?

What habits will the main character have?

You, being the main character of your own story. If porn doesn’t belong in your movie, remove it.

With choice you are free to become the person you’re destined to be.

All self-help books have one general theme: Make better choices.

The director is always in charge.

In the moment you’re considering looking at porn, stop.

Is this the best scene for your life?

Am I happy with this being in my life story?

What if my life is a movie playing on stage. Am I happy with what I’m doing, or full of shame?

Shame tells you your morals. Shame tells you you’re fighting against yourself, like a dog in a lethal game of chasing its tail.

Often we play as an actor, or an extra in our own lives. We let our impulses control us and direct us. Leaving us wondering why we did it after a relapse.

We sit back and watch our lives. We’re running on autopilot, androids doing the same every day.

The same mistakes.

The same life.

The same relapses.

When all we’re trying to become is the greatest version of ourselves.

Unhappiness is a loss of control.

When a relative passes away, we’re heartbroken, and lost.

When we lose our jobs, we have questions, and wish we could have done something different.

When we relapse from pornography, we hate ourselves because we aren’t in control.

These negative events are all related to a loss of control. Some are real, and some aren’t.

We feel like we can’t stop looking at porn. We feel like we can’t control it, and it makes us depressed.

We can control it.

We must direct our lives. We must exercise choice to refuse impulses, navigating ourselves to the proper scenes.

What do you picture in your ideal life? Take five minutes and think on it. What does your perfect life look like?

The pleasure of masturbation will never feel as good as freedom.

True freedom. An understanding that porn and impulses do not control you. Whatever has you trapped, tied, and bound.

We aren’t using the gift of choice. We aren’t conscious in our decision making. The director isn’t steering the plot towards successful conclusions.

We often let our impulses direct. Pushing us back to the position on stage, while we move in a manner that doesn’t sit right with us.

Have you felt your impulses controlling you?

Leading by impulse instead of by conscious choice is the addictive mind.

Why change what we’ve always done when what we’ve always done is so… comfortable?

Porn & Masturbation is watching the same movie on repeat.

You know there is more to life, other movies, yet you’re fine with this one in the player. It’s comfortable, and the unknown is a mystery.

Our unhappiness comes from our lack of control over pornography and masturbation.

It’s our own choices that hurt our recovery, and our happiness.

To change your relationship with pornography, realize porn has as much power over you as you let it.

Why do we let pornography direct our lives?

We aren’t ready to change.

It’s easier to be a man that looks a porn than a man that doesn’t. It’s easy to think this way when you don’t think you have any control over your life.

What movie have you enjoyed with an easy antagonist? Porn and masturbation is difficult to quit because it matters.

The hero in the movie isn’t taking the day off to go fishing. There isn’t any conflict, any action or challenge.

He goes off to slay the dragon. He’s the only one who can.

You’re the only one who can quit.

Often, we need to slow down. The faster we move, the harder it is to exercise choice. Choice to stop looking at porn, to stop masturbation, and to live the lives we want to live.

You will never slay your dragon if you run past the castle.

Changing The Scene

The best question you can ask yourself is: “How’s that working out for you?“.

The director needs to stay on script. If he goes off, the story stops making sense. it loses the magic becoming depressing, and boring. He needs to evaluate his picture over the course of its creation.

Is this the correct direction for the film?” He asks himself.

Is porn and masturbation the right direction for you?

You can choose to be a man that doesn’t look at porn or masturbate.

You can change the direction of your own movie. It’s your choice, your power as a human.

We hear that moderation is acceptable. Our impulses tell us this at the moment of a big breakthrough.

We go to our web browsers and say: ” Okay, this is the real last time. I’m only checking to see if everything still works. This isn’t for me, it’s for my health. It’s been awhile, it’s okay in moderation.”

Moderation is true in certain circumstances. But don’t be afraid to see certain ideas as being black & Grey.

If you’ve never jumped off a bridge before, and someone tells you to jump off one for “moderation”, will you do it?

Jumping off a bridge in moderation is not good for us.

Porn may be your bridge.

It doesn’t make sense for us to engage in practices that will cause harm to us in moderation.

Jumping off a bridge once, is bad in any dose.

Moderation is a spectrum not a law.

What is moderation for porn and masturbation? It could be once a week, a month, never again.

A man who has struggled with an alcohol demon doesn’t believe in moderation. He’s killed that demon, that scene is over with.

He has moved past that scene in his life. He doesn’t need to revisit.

The same for the man who decides porn and masturbation is over for him.

Create Your Script For Life

A movie’s script gives a theme. You need to stay on script, or the movie will fail.

It won’t progress.

The movie won’t perform at its best.

What’s your script? Have you created it yet?

What are your standards? your morals?

Are you a man who looks at porn, or not?

Creating rules for yourself is like creating a movie script. It doesn’t impede on your life, it frees you.

Creating your script gives you total freedom to operate within it. Now, you don’t have to question whether it’s right or wrong.

List your standards, what’s important to you, and stick to the script.

When an impulse comes, look at the script.

Does your life allow porn and masturbation? It’s a yes or no question, a choice, then you move on.

Your standards are your discipline. you need to write down your code & morals.

When you write down your code, you’ll always be able to check against it.

What Will Be your Life Story?

It can be whatever you want. You have the power of choice.

The director decides.

Make the choice to change your life today. Tomorrow is fantasy, a land of empty promises, and forgotten dreams.

You can beat porn and masturbation today by making the choice that it doesn’t belong in your life.

Take ownership and direct your life.

7 Tactics to Stop Relapsing and Start Living Your Dream Life

stop relapsing

This is a guest post by Apostol, creator of SlaveToHero, a website dedicated to helping men heal from porn addiction.

Relapsing. That’s one of the major problems that everyone faces while trying to stop porn. Pardon me. It’s not A major – it’s THE Problem that’s stopping everybody from quitting porn. After all – if you stopped relapsing you’ve effectively stopped using porn altogether.

On the other hand – we’re all intuitively accepting relapsing as a problem and a negative thing. “I really tried to stop porn but I relapsed – therefore I’m a failure!” But if you think a little bit deeper into the understanding of what relapsing is – we’ll find out that relapsing actually became a “thing” only when we decided to stop using porn. Before that we had no concept of “relapsing” at all.

But why do we accept it as a negative? Why do we start feeling bad about ourselves when we relapse? Why do we start feeling that guilt, shame and helplessness?

Because we don’t understand it and we have unreasonable expectations about ourselves and the whole process of recovery. You see – relapsing can not be a problem if you think about it as a part of the solution. The fact is – if you really have porn addiction and you’ve had it for a long while(if you’re like me – for years) – you won’t be able to stop it all at once. Chances are that the brain circuits that make you unconsciously want to watch porn have developed for a long while and have become so strong that you won’t be able to weaken them all at once. So maybe – just maybe – relapsing is not the problem that you think it is – but it’s more a part of the solution – it’s part of the healing process. So my tactic no.1…Continue Reading

Porn And Infidelity – Is There A Link?

infidelity

This is a guest post by Helen, a former healthcare worker who now writes about relationships, gender issues and health.

##

With the growth in and increasing availability of online pornography, many people are starting to think more deeply about the issues associated with it. Within Europe, the debate tends to focus upon the psychological effects use of online pornography has on young and sexually inexperienced people, and what it may mean for their future sex lives. The discussion in the USA, meanwhile, focuses upon that old American obsession – sexual morality. A growing area of concern is a potential link between porn use and infidelity – or whether porn usage itself constitutes infidelity.Continue Reading

Porn and Porn Induced ED: One Woman’s Perspective

girl

I recently had a great conversation with a female friend of mine named Sarah, where I told her about this website and my problems with porn induced ED in the past. She was very open to talk about it, and after a long chat, suggested that she write an article about how she felt about the whole thing. She even went so far as to get a few of her girlfriends together to ask their opinions.

For her article, I asked Sarah to answer a few questions on the topic of porn and PIED, namely:

-Her reaction when we talked about PIED
-How she feels about porn
-What women think/feel when a guy can’t get it up
-The importance of communication about sex between partners
-Insights from a female perspective about healing

 

I’ll let Sarah take it away:

After meeting Brian a few weeks ago, I just couldn’t wait to get home and browse his site in order to get more information on PIED. I remember that as he was telling me about PIED, it struck a nerve and I knew that a number of my friends could and probably would benefit from the knowledge that was being shared with me at that moment.

Continue Reading

Porn-Induced ED is Gone and I Feel Like a New Person: An Interview With Noah BE Church

Noah BE Church speaking at a Mystery Box event

Why did you decide to quit porn? Was there something that triggered it?

I used porn from age 9. Unlike some other boys, nobody exposed me to it, nor was it an accident—I was a horny little kid and sought it out. My use really took off when I was 12 or 13 and got a computer with Internet access in my own room. I escalated quickly to some fairly heinous and socially unacceptable content by age 14. I talked to no one about this. For most of my teenage years, instead of taking risks and putting myself out there to form real connections with real women, I turned to the easy fix of porn and dreamed of the day when I would have real sex. When I was 18 that day came, the culmination of years of hope and expectation. And my dick simply did not work. I felt little to no physical arousal, despite finding my girlfriend at the time very attractive. No matter how many times we tried over the next few months, I was completely incapable of real sex, and I had no idea why.Continue Reading

How To Get Over Performance Anxiety: A Hypnotherapist Shares His Best 3 Tips

Hypnosis

This week I’ve got another great guest post, this time from Mark Tyrrell, a hypnotherapist since 1995 and co-founder of hypnosisdownloads.com.

In this article Mark talks about three things you can do right now to help get rid of performance anxiety.

##

Sex can feel like a threat. Even the prospect that it might happen can get some men feeling on edge. Like they might have to “perform!” And what if they can’t!

Worrying about performance, wanting to “perform” can block the very performance we want.

Seeing sex as a test as something to pass or fail, like a deadline or chore saps the energy, fun and intimacy from it.

When sex stops feeling like a performance, like meeting some standard or passing some test  it becomes again what it should be, a most wonderful, exciting, body and mind focussing part of life and maybe the time when you and the one you’re with can feel most alive.

After two decades treating, amongst many other things, sexual performance anxiety in both men and women here are my top three tips:

Continue Reading

The Effects of Internet Porn on Male Sexual Performance

Argument

This is a guest post by Larry O’Connor, a Marriage and Family Therapist with offices in San Fransisco and Palo Alto.

Many men view internet porn sites, but for some there are risks: becoming habituated, seeking more explicit material, diminishing their ability to connect with partners, achieve arousal, and maintain an erection.

Whether or not an addiction, the habitual viewing of porn is a process of learning how to respond to a specific stimulus which, in turn, progressively increases repetition. This is because the brain, having plasticity, is designed to learn by responding to pleasurable or rewarding experiences, which results in creating new, and preferential neural pathways, so these experiences are quicker and easier to retrieve in the future.

Continue Reading

How The Simple Habit Of Exercise Can Help You Overcome Porn Addiction

Man Exercising Push-Up

The following is a guest post by my friend Mark B. — Brian.

I have been there; I write from the heart and write from my own experience. I once had an addiction to porn. It wasn’t what I thought was massive, but no matter how small you see how big it actually is. So don’t kid yourself.

One of the ways that I found I could escape the temptation of porn — over and above putting all the security blocks and fancy software in place — was to have a healthy, fresh and clear mind and of course be alert to my surroundings. To achieve this two things are needed: a healthy diet and some exercise. Both of these now form part of my daily routine.

Continue Reading

What I Learned Going 230 Days Without Porn

lessons-learned

**This is a guest post from a reader named Dylan, who went 230 days without porn. — Brian

##

Let me be real with you: doing things we don’t want to do sucks. And doing things that are painful…that’s even worse. So, why bother?

It would be very easy to shower you with platitudes and clichés, which I have grown accustomed to receiving myself, but that demeans the severity of our situation: we want change or, at the very least, we think we want change (and that’s still a step in the right direction). Addiction is all about comfort. It’s temporary pain-relief that places us in long-term debt. Before we know it, we’re in deep.Continue Reading

How To Overcome Performance Anxiety In Bed (Plus: A Woman’s Perspective)

Performance Anxiety In Bed

You may be a pretty confident man over-all. There’s nothing wrong with your techniques and delivery, and you’ve been with girls who’ve gushed about your sexual prowess.For some reason though, things are just not going your way, and when I say your way, I mean, things are just not looking up for you, in the least bit.

Living with performance anxiety is not easy.

It’s something that can tear away at your confidence little by little, making it harder to face sexual activities each and every time. Most importantly, it can put a lot of strain on otherwise happy and fulfilled relationships.

The first thing to know is that it’s actually pretty common. No, you’re not broken and yes, you can overcome this terrible development.

ED (erectile dysfunction), PE (premature ejaculation), and DE (delayed ejaculation) are all common sexual anxiety related issues and often have psychological origins.

It’s always a good idea to check out your lifestyle too, though, as this could be a factor in your performance anxiety. Things like stress, lack of exercise, body weight and even a bad diet can make a huge difference and add or detract from your sexual performance. However, far and above the rest, it seems that sexual performance anxiety stems pretty much directly from a concern related to sexual intimacy.

Continue Reading