How To Direct Your Life Away From Porn

director

The following is a powerful guest post by Vincent from Andreian.com

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When we go to the movies, we’re watching something greater than the plot and cast at work. Beyond the lights and the camera, we’re sitting before the vision of one individual.

The Director.

The director has an idea. He has a vision, and needs to bring it into reality. He didn’t know he needed to make a movie, until something changed.

In a moment he knew without a doubt, he needed to create. He is taking an empty space, and changing it into something new. Where before there was no movie, now we have film.

New habits form the same way.

The director doesn’t do all the work. He sets the vision, and begins guiding those around him to see the same vision. He guides them towards his goal of change.

If you’re reading this blog, you may be struggling with addiction to porn or masturbation.

You may be curious why so many men are quitting pornography and masturbation.

You may have heard about inhuman benefits others have experienced after quitting porn. And, now you’re curious.

You may even find the notion that porn is a problem, a lie — and you want to argue within your own mind. That’s fine too.

You may be a man not thinking you have a problem, but you’ve always been curious if something else was better.

Regardless you’re here for a change.

A new direction.

A new scene in the movie that is your life.

Something in your life isn’t sitting right with you. The person who you are, isn’t aligning with the person you want to be, or who you want to become.

The audience, you, aren’t happy. What you wanted from life you aren’t getting. The happiness that should have occurred after college didn’t.

It feels like we’re living in the wrong movie. It feels like we’re not in control of our lives anymore.

When masturbation used to be about pleasure and stress reduction, has now turned on us. Turned on us like the worst betrayal in a crime movie.

We can no longer control our habit.

We need a change.

When we aren’t in control change is difficult. It feels impossible sometimes.

We forget our ultimate power. The saving grace that ties the entire plot together.

The power of choice.

You are the director of your own life.

You may not realize it yet, but you are the director of your own life.

Like the director of a Hollywood blockbuster, you are in total control of your life’s plot.

What direction do you want to go?

Who do you want to associate with?

What habits will the main character have?

You, being the main character of your own story. If porn doesn’t belong in your movie, remove it.

With choice you are free to become the person you’re destined to be.

All self-help books have one general theme: Make better choices.

The director is always in charge.

In the moment you’re considering looking at porn, stop.

Is this the best scene for your life?

Am I happy with this being in my life story?

What if my life is a movie playing on stage. Am I happy with what I’m doing, or full of shame?

Shame tells you your morals. Shame tells you you’re fighting against yourself, like a dog in a lethal game of chasing its tail.

Often we play as an actor, or an extra in our own lives. We let our impulses control us and direct us. Leaving us wondering why we did it after a relapse.

We sit back and watch our lives. We’re running on autopilot, androids doing the same every day.

The same mistakes.

The same life.

The same relapses.

When all we’re trying to become is the greatest version of ourselves.

Unhappiness is a loss of control.

When a relative passes away, we’re heartbroken, and lost.

When we lose our jobs, we have questions, and wish we could have done something different.

When we relapse from pornography, we hate ourselves because we aren’t in control.

These negative events are all related to a loss of control. Some are real, and some aren’t.

We feel like we can’t stop looking at porn. We feel like we can’t control it, and it makes us depressed.

We can control it.

We must direct our lives. We must exercise choice to refuse impulses, navigating ourselves to the proper scenes.

What do you picture in your ideal life? Take five minutes and think on it. What does your perfect life look like?

The pleasure of masturbation will never feel as good as freedom.

True freedom. An understanding that porn and impulses do not control you. Whatever has you trapped, tied, and bound.

We aren’t using the gift of choice. We aren’t conscious in our decision making. The director isn’t steering the plot towards successful conclusions.

We often let our impulses direct. Pushing us back to the position on stage, while we move in a manner that doesn’t sit right with us.

Have you felt your impulses controlling you?

Leading by impulse instead of by conscious choice is the addictive mind.

Why change what we’ve always done when what we’ve always done is so… comfortable?

Porn & Masturbation is watching the same movie on repeat.

You know there is more to life, other movies, yet you’re fine with this one in the player. It’s comfortable, and the unknown is a mystery.

Our unhappiness comes from our lack of control over pornography and masturbation.

It’s our own choices that hurt our recovery, and our happiness.

To change your relationship with pornography, realize porn has as much power over you as you let it.

Why do we let pornography direct our lives?

We aren’t ready to change.

It’s easier to be a man that looks a porn than a man that doesn’t. It’s easy to think this way when you don’t think you have any control over your life.

What movie have you enjoyed with an easy antagonist? Porn and masturbation is difficult to quit because it matters.

The hero in the movie isn’t taking the day off to go fishing. There isn’t any conflict, any action or challenge.

He goes off to slay the dragon. He’s the only one who can.

You’re the only one who can quit.

Often, we need to slow down. The faster we move, the harder it is to exercise choice. Choice to stop looking at porn, to stop masturbation, and to live the lives we want to live.

You will never slay your dragon if you run past the castle.

Changing The Scene

The best question you can ask yourself is: “How’s that working out for you?“.

The director needs to stay on script. If he goes off, the story stops making sense. it loses the magic becoming depressing, and boring. He needs to evaluate his picture over the course of its creation.

Is this the correct direction for the film?” He asks himself.

Is porn and masturbation the right direction for you?

You can choose to be a man that doesn’t look at porn or masturbate.

You can change the direction of your own movie. It’s your choice, your power as a human.

We hear that moderation is acceptable. Our impulses tell us this at the moment of a big breakthrough.

We go to our web browsers and say: ” Okay, this is the real last time. I’m only checking to see if everything still works. This isn’t for me, it’s for my health. It’s been awhile, it’s okay in moderation.”

Moderation is true in certain circumstances. But don’t be afraid to see certain ideas as being black & Grey.

If you’ve never jumped off a bridge before, and someone tells you to jump off one for “moderation”, will you do it?

Jumping off a bridge in moderation is not good for us.

Porn may be your bridge.

It doesn’t make sense for us to engage in practices that will cause harm to us in moderation.

Jumping off a bridge once, is bad in any dose.

Moderation is a spectrum not a law.

What is moderation for porn and masturbation? It could be once a week, a month, never again.

A man who has struggled with an alcohol demon doesn’t believe in moderation. He’s killed that demon, that scene is over with.

He has moved past that scene in his life. He doesn’t need to revisit.

The same for the man who decides porn and masturbation is over for him.

Create Your Script For Life

A movie’s script gives a theme. You need to stay on script, or the movie will fail.

It won’t progress.

The movie won’t perform at its best.

What’s your script? Have you created it yet?

What are your standards? your morals?

Are you a man who looks at porn, or not?

Creating rules for yourself is like creating a movie script. It doesn’t impede on your life, it frees you.

Creating your script gives you total freedom to operate within it. Now, you don’t have to question whether it’s right or wrong.

List your standards, what’s important to you, and stick to the script.

When an impulse comes, look at the script.

Does your life allow porn and masturbation? It’s a yes or no question, a choice, then you move on.

Your standards are your discipline. you need to write down your code & morals.

When you write down your code, you’ll always be able to check against it.

What Will Be your Life Story?

It can be whatever you want. You have the power of choice.

The director decides.

Make the choice to change your life today. Tomorrow is fantasy, a land of empty promises, and forgotten dreams.

You can beat porn and masturbation today by making the choice that it doesn’t belong in your life.

Take ownership and direct your life.

How to ACTUALLY Quit Porn:  5 Success Strategies To Give Up Porn and Change Your Life

how to ACTUALLY quit porn

So you’ve been trying to give up porn, and you’re realizing… Actually, this is pretty tough.  I’m with you. I went through the struggle.

So let me start by asking you a question:  

How long have you been trying to give up porn?

Take some time to think about your answer, and be honest with yourself.  Has it been more than a few months? A year?

Now I’m going to be honest with you:

If you’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to quit porn for over 6 months, you’re doing it wrong.

I know that’s tough to hear, but you need to hear it. You’re going to have to make some big changes in your life to get this taken care of.

 

How do you successfully give up porn for good?

So what sets people who are successful from those who aren’t?  What is it that you should be doing that you’re not?

Well, based on my own experience, and the experience of thousands of guys I’ve talked to on email, here are the 5 most important factors or quitting porn:

1. Replace the habit.

Because ‘quitting’ something difficult like porn or smoking isn’t actually about erasing the habit, but about replacing it. Once you understand this, and learn about the habit loop, you hold one of the main keys to your unwanted habit.  If the urge you’re satisfying is physical, your replacement habit should be physical. A good example (and one that many people have used successfully) is using push ups or a short exercise routine. In this case, every time you feel the urge to look at porn, stop that automatic impulse and exchange it for push ups. Read more about replacement habits, and decide what yours will be.

habit loop

2. Have a support group or accountability partner.  

This can an online or in-person group, or just one person that knows you and keeps you accountable.  My views on accountability are a bit extreme, in that I advocate it be 100% offline (we already have enough trouble online, don’t we?).  So find a friend that you can really trust, and keep each other accountable on your goals.  Another option is to find an accountability partner online, but to use email or SMS (not forums) to stay in touch. 

3. Become self-aware.

Learning to be aware of your triggers, your unhealthy patterns of thinking, and digging deeper to the underlying reasons of your addiction… these things are game-changer.  How can you become more self-aware? Start by writing a journal. Daily journalling is an inexpensive,  powerful way to self-awareness. Here’s further reading about how understanding your triggers can help you break through your addiction. 

4. Build Keystone Habits.

Keystone habits are habits that help you build other positive habits in your life. For example, exercise is a keystone habit.  This means that exercising daily can have a huge positive impact — not just on your waistline. People who exercise are much more likely to adopt (and stick to) other positive habits.  Other keystone habits include: making your bed every morning; having a morning or before-bed routine; meditating; and even having regular family dinners.

5. Make it easy on yourself.

Do you sleep in the same room as your laptop or smart phone?  Do you keep a stash of porn somewhere in your room or on a hidden hard drive?  Do you refuse to use porn blocking software  because you feel it’s embarrassing or inconvenient?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re sabotaging your success. What successful people do is make it easy on themselves by removing temptation (ie. buying an alarm clock so they don’t have to sleep next to their phone).

So if you’re really serious about beating this thing, it’s time to make some changes in your life. (Need extra motivation? Sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar, and get regular motivational emails directly in your inbox)

Bonus Secret Jedi Mind Trick: the Bet Switch Mechanism

Here’s a little-known, but super powerful way to associate pain with your addiction.   It’s a trick that ultimately helped me overcome my porn habit.  

A few years ago, after trying a few times to quit porn and relapsing, my accountability partner and I decided we needed to raise the stakes.  We agreed that every time we relapsed, we would have to pay $500 to a charity that we really disliked.  So instead of rationalizing ‘I’ll just watch porn this one last time’, it was ‘it’s going to cost me $500 to watch porn!’  Needless to say, it worked, and six months later we celebrated our achievement.  

You can read more about the bet-switch mechanism here. 

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Did I miss anything?  Have you tried any of these techniques?  Let us know in the comments 🙂

7 Tactics to Stop Relapsing and Start Living Your Dream Life

stop relapsing

This is a guest post by Apostol, creator of SlaveToHero, a website dedicated to helping men heal from porn addiction.

Relapsing. That’s one of the major problems that everyone faces while trying to stop porn. Pardon me. It’s not A major – it’s THE Problem that’s stopping everybody from quitting porn. After all – if you stopped relapsing you’ve effectively stopped using porn altogether.

On the other hand – we’re all intuitively accepting relapsing as a problem and a negative thing. “I really tried to stop porn but I relapsed – therefore I’m a failure!” But if you think a little bit deeper into the understanding of what relapsing is – we’ll find out that relapsing actually became a “thing” only when we decided to stop using porn. Before that we had no concept of “relapsing” at all.

But why do we accept it as a negative? Why do we start feeling bad about ourselves when we relapse? Why do we start feeling that guilt, shame and helplessness?

Because we don’t understand it and we have unreasonable expectations about ourselves and the whole process of recovery. You see – relapsing can not be a problem if you think about it as a part of the solution. The fact is – if you really have porn addiction and you’ve had it for a long while(if you’re like me – for years) – you won’t be able to stop it all at once. Chances are that the brain circuits that make you unconsciously want to watch porn have developed for a long while and have become so strong that you won’t be able to weaken them all at once. So maybe – just maybe – relapsing is not the problem that you think it is – but it’s more a part of the solution – it’s part of the healing process. So my tactic no.1…Continue Reading

3 Research-Backed Tips to Control Sexual Performance Anxiety

Performance Anxiety Research

You may have experienced unwanted thoughts popping into your head when things start to get sexual:

“What if I don’t get an erection?”
“What if I’m not good and she tells her friends?”
“She’s probably been with guys that are bigger and better than me.”
“What if I go soft when I go to put the condom on?”

Well, you’re not the only one. Most guys will experience performance anxiety at some point in their lives.

So how do we STOP these thoughts from running havoc on our sex lives?  For starters, it helps to learn about the brain and the factors that can compound sexual anxiety. Continue Reading

How To Overcome Sexual Performance Anxiety: The Most Important Tool

Overcome Performance Anxiety

I get a lot of emails asking about how I overcame sexual performance anxiety. And I’ve found a few tried and true strategies that have helped guys that I’ve been coaching , so I want to share them.

First off, let’s figure out if it’s actually performance anxiety that we’re dealing with.

How do I know if I have performance anxiety?

A lot of guys out there think that they are dealing with porn-induced ED, when in fact they are dealing with sexual performance anxiety.

Here is a test that you can do to find out:

  1. Do you have trouble getting an erection when you’re alone with a woman, but you can get an erection by touching yourself (without porn) in the comfort of your home?
  2. Do you sometimes lose your erection when you’re with a woman – especially your first or second time with her?
  3. Do you find yourself worried about whether you’ll be able to get an erection when the time comes?
  4. Do you avoid sexual encounters because you worry that you might not be able to perform?

If you answered ‘yes’ to some or all of these questions, then you likely are suffering from sexual performance anxiety.

(Note: With porn-induced ED, the erections you get by yourself without porn just aren’t as strong as the erections with porn.  Or in extreme cases, you can’t get an erection at all without porn.)

Now let me ask you this:

  • Do you wish you could have great sex every time, and not have to worry?
  • Do you wish that you could freely have one-night stands without having to worry about whether your penis would work or not?
  • Do you wish that you weren’t dealing with this?

I’ll tell you: I feel for you, because I’ve been there.  But I’ll also say that it is 100% possible to overcome this.  I did it, and you can too.

Continue Reading

Kegel Excercises For Men: Benefits, Tips and How To Do Them

male kegels

When you hear the word Kegels, you might think “aren’t they those exercises for women?”.

True, this simple little exercise has saved many women from reversing unwanted stretching and urinary issues after giving birth.

What you may not know is that Kegels are not just beneficial for women; the exercise can do wonders for men too.Continue Reading

Porn And Infidelity – Is There A Link?

infidelity

This is a guest post by Helen, a former healthcare worker who now writes about relationships, gender issues and health.

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With the growth in and increasing availability of online pornography, many people are starting to think more deeply about the issues associated with it. Within Europe, the debate tends to focus upon the psychological effects use of online pornography has on young and sexually inexperienced people, and what it may mean for their future sex lives. The discussion in the USA, meanwhile, focuses upon that old American obsession – sexual morality. A growing area of concern is a potential link between porn use and infidelity – or whether porn usage itself constitutes infidelity.Continue Reading

I Found Out My Husband (Boyfriend) Is Addicted To Porn: What To Do Next

Husband Addicted to porn

(This post was written by Sarah, who writes on women’s issues surrounding porn addiction and relationships.)

Addiction is never easy to deal with – let alone one as misunderstood as a porn addiction. Despite the evidence that porn can become an addiction for some people, the majority of people out there still don’t recognize that it can lead to big problems. Until recently, many people pushed the issue of porn addiction under the umbrella of religious puritanism, hoping to bolster the argument that porn is only a problem if there is a moral issue behind it.

We now know that it boils down to much more than values and beliefs. And yet there is still no real focus on the partners who suffer from the havoc that a porn addiction can cause in a relationship. Porn addictions can indeed ruin relationships, wrongly shape lives and kill intimacy and affection toward each other.

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Porn and Porn Induced ED: One Woman’s Perspective

girl

I recently had a great conversation with a female friend of mine named Sarah, where I told her about this website and my problems with porn induced ED in the past. She was very open to talk about it, and after a long chat, suggested that she write an article about how she felt about the whole thing. She even went so far as to get a few of her girlfriends together to ask their opinions.

For her article, I asked Sarah to answer a few questions on the topic of porn and PIED, namely:

-Her reaction when we talked about PIED
-How she feels about porn
-What women think/feel when a guy can’t get it up
-The importance of communication about sex between partners
-Insights from a female perspective about healing

 

I’ll let Sarah take it away:

After meeting Brian a few weeks ago, I just couldn’t wait to get home and browse his site in order to get more information on PIED. I remember that as he was telling me about PIED, it struck a nerve and I knew that a number of my friends could and probably would benefit from the knowledge that was being shared with me at that moment.

Continue Reading